Sunday, October 10, 2010

Post #7

My Fellow Americans,

Happy October. I've been here over a month now and am feeling sound as a pound. The kids know me now, I'm making friends, and I'm finally starting to enjoy rotten cabbage and octopus on everything. But, I've never been prouder to be an American, as you will see from the following stories.



Much to tell: Let's start with perhaps the best story from school as of yet. It was a typical Monday. My class of four twelve-year-old boys (the gun-nut gamers) and I were talking about the book we were reading, and something halted us mid-conversation. A violent sound had emanated from one of them and stopped class dead. It was undeniable. Someone had ripped a killer fart.

Now of course, I was given a choice here. As the class exploded into a frenzy of accusations as to who broke wind, I had to decide if I was going to restore order, or wallow in the childish fun of farting. I chose to do both.

"Class, class," I said, using my best teacher's voice. "Calm down. I can easily solve this problem. Are any of you familiar with the American expression 'Whoever smelt it, dealt it?'"

They were not, but after a brief explanation of "dealt it," I asked who was the one who first smelt it. A small boy named Harry raised his hand slowly. I looked him square in the eyes and asked him.

"Were you the one who dealt it?"

With a wide smile on his face, he nodded proudly, and the class roared. It never fails.

Thinking back on my first day, when a girl started crying during class and I had no idea how to handle it, I was a far more inexperienced teacher back then. It's nice to know I'm making a little bit of progress and can deal with the problems of the modern middle school student.

Also speaking of school, my dear American friends, I have been doing a little learning myself. Let me preface this with a question. Do you remember the movie "A Christmas Story" about the little boy who wanted a Red Ryder BB Gun for Christmas? Of course you do. And who could forget the classic Chinese food restaurant scene where the Chinese sing "Fa Ra Ra Ra Ra, Ra Ra Ra Ra!" It's gold. Pure racist comedic gold. Have you ever wondered why Asians pronounce their R's as L's?

It's because in Korea (and other Asian countries), the "R" and the "L" are the same sound. Now you're probably saying, "Dan, that's ridiculous. The R and the L don't sound anything alike." And you'd be right - but not in Korea. They don't distinguish between the two - which makes words like "alright" and "really" an absolute joy to teach.

But before you get on your high horse and say "Wow, English is a superior language," here's a little food for thought. When I got to restaurants and bars with my westerner friends, the waitresses and bartenders never know what the hell we're saying. Why? Because Koreans have sounds we don't. One of the best foods here, kim-bop, is almost impossible for us lazy westerners to pronounce. The "k" in kim is actually a hybrid between a voiced "k" and "g" sound (go ahead, try to do it) and the "b" in bop is something along the lines of trying to say "pop" while moving your lips in the way in which you'd say "b." Sound complicated? It is. And I can't tell a damn bit of difference between their "b", "p", and "bp", sound, but evidently it's pretty substantial, because again, no one can understand me. I'm sure they'd make fun of Americans about it, but they love us way too much to do that.


And if you think I overestimate their love for us, check out these next two stories. It was a classic Tuesday night. We decided to go out for one beer after work. One turned into more than one and we wound up at a karaoke bar with a table of Korean girls that were begging us to get up and do karaoke. I'm pretty sure it would have been a sin not to. So, with the girls dancing behind us, we preformed Jon Bon Jovi's classic "Living on a Prayer" to a full house of Koreans. If you can think of anything more American than that, I'd like to hear it. We rocked it. And of course, we got a crazy applause afterward. Nothing more American than shamelessly promoting your own culture overseas.

But all jokes aside, something truly amazing happened to me that actually made me proud to be an American. It's pretty tough to come out of college without a little loathing for the things America has done. There's a certain liberal guilt that burns in your soul after a university education, and with good reason. America has done some terrible, terrible things. If you've got your doubts, google the School of the Americas. But what's easy to forget is that sometimes we're the good guys. Yes, America does do the right thing too. If you think every country hates us, try going to Korea. Allow me to explain.

I got up early before school one day to go downtown to find the international center in Gwang-ju. It took about an hour to get out there, and by "there" I mean getting lost downtown. Never found it. Feeling like I had wasted my morning, I got on the subway to go home. I sat down, closed my eyes (I was all sorts of tired) and heard a woman's voice.

"Excuse me," she said.

I opened my eyes to see this old, hunched over Korean woman. Her face couldn't have been more than a foot away from mine. I almost jumped. She didn't seem to find anything strange. "Where are you from?" she asks.

"Mi-guk," I answer (Korean word for America).


"America?" she asks. I nod. Then she says something I didn't expect. "God bless America!" She continued after that to talk about how much America has done for her country, how we are the reason South Korea remained independent, how our missionaries do so much for orphanages and starving people over here, how we keep peace with North Korea, and on and on. Then she stopped. I had no idea what to say. I think I blurted something out like "that's great" and she had to get off at her stop.

As she stood at the door, about to get off, I tried to think of something to say, like thank you, or ask her her name, or anything. But I couldn't think of anything. I was speechless. And while this is not the only occurrence of this love of America, it was the most jaw dropping. But little things, like free food and drinks, or people apologizing to me for not knowing more English, are not uncommon. And these humbling moments never stop coming.

Lesson of the day - not everybody thinks America is the devil. Do with that what you will.

But since I can't end on a serious note (because I should never be taken seriously) here's your daily dose of racist humor. You know how non-Asian Americans (whites, blacks, Hispanics) when they're children will sometimes make fun of Chinese or Japanese people by pulling back their eyelids to make their eyes look slanty? The Korean children do the same thing to make fun of the Japanese. My students did it in class. I think the logic is that Koreans are the most "wide-eyed" of the major Asian countries, and they make fun of the others because of it. Either way, watching a Korean child do this was so funny, it might be worth coming out to Korea just to see it.

Maybe not. 

Also - for anyone interested - my Skype info is dan.foley464 and I have finally posed some pictures (you hear that Davey?) The pictures are nothing special, (I'm a writer, not a photographer) but just enough to give you a little taste.



The one above is of this weird red marsh field I saw when I was hiking at the biggest nature reserve in Korea. And the two below are of me with my boss's devil of a child (though very cute) who I tutor everyday for about five minutes before he goes crazy. But I don't blame him. He's three and I'm tutoring him. 





I sprinkled a few more pictures throughout the blog. You'll see them if you scroll through.

Got much more in the wheelhouse for next time. Hope you're all enjoying the blog my patriotic pirates. As always, I miss and love each and every one of you.

-Captain America

1 comment:

  1. Foley, dude, 2 things. First - awesome blog. I laugh out loud (emphasis on loud) when I read it. Two - I actually just finished your book - I had only read the first half and thought it was the end but D-Ray/Ray Karlson gave me the second half. And dude, the second half was INSANE. Very well done. It left me in a state of disbelief.

    Keep up the good work.

    ReplyDelete