Post #8

Hello real world!

I've come to the inevitable conclusion that Korea is, in fact, a fantasy land. Not in the strange costume way, but in the I-keep-pinching-myself-to-know-I'm-not-dreaming kind of way. Why is Korea so strange and magical? Let me count thy ways.

1. The Kids

Let me start with my 4:00 boys, who are, to be fair, dudes I would have chilled with back in my early adolescence for sure. I dig having class with them for a multitude of reasons, but one of them is the discussions we get to have. Their English and intellect is to a point where, one boy (whose name is Robin, short for Robin Hood) did a presentation on this guy John Titor, the self-proclaimed time traveler from the year 2036. This led us to a discussion of time travel and if it was, indeed, possible. I got to talk about the mad scientist paradox (the idea that if you go back in time and kill yourself, you never could have gone back in time in the first place) and they were just eating it up. Even better, they were understanding it. But it's not all nerdy stuff. The boys had an open discussion over which was more important - identity or life. In English. They made some profound points. One boy (Austin, which I can only think is short for Austin Powers) used a quote that was something along the lines of "Without identity, you're already dead." Yeah, smart 12 year olds.

Also - I've been tutoring this one boy, Jamie, one-on-one. He's a good kid, and a smart kid, but very slow to speak. I tried everything to get him talk, from encouraging him to beating him, but nothing seemed to work. He'd say a little here, a little there, but mostly, long pauses and short answers. That was until I saw that he had a Simpsons pencil case. So of course, with my nerd factor on overdrive, I asked him if he liked the Simpsons. I don't think anyone reading this is unfamiliar with my unhealthy addiction to the Simpson family, so with that knowledge in mind, when he said "yes," I got a brainstorm.

"Jamie," I say. "What's your favorite episode of the Simpsons? Can you describe it to me from start to finish?"

Man that boy got talking. And given my intimate knowledge with the subject matter, I never had to not worry about knowing the episode he's talking about. Now every Tuesday and Thursday, he's required to watch an episode and be ready to give me a full synopsis.

2. The Fruit

It's just better. I don't know if it's fresher or more natural or just because it's new, but it's better. I've already discussed at length the Naju Pear, quite a treat, but two other fruits rocked me.

The first is their versions of the grape. It's fantastic. You know how ours can sometimes taste kind of dried out on the outside? The Korean grape is blue and loaded with a mushy, juicy, flavor explosion the likes my taste buds have not seen before. It has a crunchy seed on the inside and just really changes your perception of what a grape should be.

Even more impressive is a fruit called a persimmon, I believe, and if you haven't tried it, I highly recommend it. Haven't seen it in the States, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist there. It's kind of like an apple that's shaped like a small pumpkin and has the consistency of a potato. And it's a dry fruit. I know, your mouth isn't watering yet. But, the flavor is out of this world. It has a muted apple taste, but almost as if it were blended with cinnamon. That's right sports fans, if you like apple cinnamon in its most natural form, this fruit does it. And here, they make a tea out of it that is perhaps the most autumn tasting thing I've ever had. When I drink it, I feel like I'm frolicking through a pumpkin patch while colorful dead leaves fall all around me.

And if you think that's strange, try this tea. I defy you not to have the same flowery image running through your head.

3. Korean TV Commercials


Oh yeah. Korean TV Commercials. For anyone who ever got sick of seeing the same American commercials over and over again, out here, it's worse. There's WAY fewer brands out here. I know them all very well, though I have no idea what they're saying.

They range from extremely annoying (but catchy) and colorful commercials about cell phones to old, OLD American jeans commercials, (from like five years ago) that they recycle for Korean use. But one in particular is of note.

The Cass Lite commercial. Cass Lite is a Korean beer, kind of the generic pitcher beer, like our Bud Light. The beer's okay, but the commercial is wonderful. It begins with these two office workers discussing something in Korean when their friend, a fat man, rips off his shirt to reveal a plastic outer covering of fake muscles. Then it goes into a dream sequence where the song "You are my Destiny" is playing in the background while he drinks Cass Lie with ten ripped Korean male models. It says "Cass Lite!" and shows the beer. Then it ends with my favorite moment. The three office guys dancing, holding a six pack of beer up to their bellies and saying "six pack! six pack!" as if they had six pack abs. The best part is, with a Korean accent, they say "shhiicks pack! shhiicks pack!"

If you want to see this spectacle: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eoTtYz28OCA. It's worth it.

But the great part about commercials is they usually take place after TV shows and movies. That's right, you pretty much get no commercial interruption while watching CSI Miami or Cold Case or Law and Order or whatever your fancy is (there's a lot of American crime shows on out here). It's a beautiful thing.

Most of the other commercials feature the K-Pop Girl Groups, which leads me to:

4. The Girl Groups

They're so hot. And there are so many of them. Girl's Generation, as seen below:

 

Should speak for itself, but they're everywhere. So are the flamboyant boy bands. 4min is seen below:

That's right people. Korean music, or K-Pop, is about ten years behind the times. We had our Destiny's Child and N'Sync - and they decided a decade later that was cool.

But really, the girl groups are something of note. They are in every commercial, on every billboard, they are just about everywhere. And their music is catchy as hell and usually contain great English lines. Miss A, in my opinion the best, released this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1RCYNBCsWuo , entitled "Good Girl, Bad Girl." Worth checking out, fellas. Hell, ladies, take a look.

Leaves me wanting more. I love them all very much. There's also a song featuring a line that goes something like "Officer Dan, Super Player Man." Anyone who knows me will realize that line pleases me to no end.

BTW - the girls in Miss A range in age from 23-16. I dare you to figure out which is which. It just proves my point that Korean girls hit age 16 and look like that til they're 44.

5. The Random People I Meet

Just like anywhere else, Korea is loaded with excellent people. Here are three notable ones:

The Pizza Guy Who Lives Near Me: There's this guy who runs a pizza shop near my house. The pizza is mediocre, nothing worth writing home about, but the Pizza Guy himself is a treat. He can't speak hardly any English, but he knows the English names to every peice of American pop culture and everything about any American sports team. You want to ask him if he has a wife and kids, and he'll look at you like you're speaking gibberish. If you want him to list the starting line-up to the Boston Celtics or want him to act out Piranha 3D, he's on it like white on rice. He also has a habit of pausing mid-sentence, saying nothing for half a minute at a time, and then breaking into wild, hyena laughter for some existential reason. I dig this guy.

Bus Guy: Coming back from Busan, I got stuck with a seat next to a rando. The rando turned out to be Bus Guy, a cat who I had no problem talking to for a solid four hours. As soon as he said he loved the show Top Gear, we were in business. We spent the duration of the bus ride having one of those wonderfully shallow conversations that makes you feel good to be alive. What'd we talk about? Girls, cars, movies, girls, drinking, and of course, girls. I was craving such a conversation.

Miss Lee: I call her because her first name was just too damn hard to say at first. I met her in a place called Bubble Bar when she charged into the men's room yelling "I didn't see anything! The line's too bloody long in the lady's room!" You don't see to many Koreans with an Australian accent, so I had to ask her about it. I ran into her twenty minutes later and we got talking. She's gorgeous, criminally insane, and prefers "red cordial in her pints" (which means grenadine in her beer, for my fellow Americans). But she's a cool girl. She keeps me out drinking til the wee hours of the morning and is training right now to be one of the future government officials of Korea. And to my lovely Grandma, Betty, before you think I've found a Korean bride that won't ever let me come back to the States, she's got a long time boyfriend. Which leads me to my favorite reason why Korea is a fantasy land. 


6. Being a Young American Guy Here

I was out for a drink (many drinks) on a Saturday (Tuesday) night with Miss Lee. We wound up at some random chicken place at three in the morning. To our left was a table of three girls, to our right was three guys. I don't quite remember how it got started, but I think I said "hi" to the girls at the next table. They made nice small talk with me for a little bit in whatever English they knew. Then Miss Lee proceeded to tell them we were just friends (i.e. I was single). As soon as that was known, the girls (who were quite lovely), started asking me which one I thought was the prettiest. After a long deliberation, I chose the tall one with brown hair. This caused quite a stir. Then they wanted to know which one of them could have my number, each giving reasons why I should give it to her rather than her friends. Meanwhile, the guys at the table next to our right just kept cheering me on saying "you're so handsome!" and "how is my English?"

Let me remind my readers that this was not a dream. I pinched myself several times that night, then looked around for the hidden cameras. Finding none, a smile came to my face.

Long story short: this place is no good for my ego.

But that's enough for today. I have a feeling I'm in for a rude awakening in the not too distant future. In the mean time, however, I'll keep riding this strange dream of a country. Worst thing out here in recent days is that Kimchi prices have risen to an all time high.

All jokes aside - it's not all delicious food and beautiful women fighting over me. It's wonderful when it is, but sometimes I do actually work, sometimes I get lonely, and sometimes it's actually kinda lame (I spent this last Saturday watching Iron Man and went to bed at 1:00 AM). But it's just like anything else in life. I'll leave you with a quote by my hero, on this topic of taking the good with the bad and having a zest for life all the same.

"I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all! The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles! Sure, I might offend a few of the blue noses with my cocky stride and musky odors- Oh I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tounges, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this 'Homer Simpson'?" - Homer Simpson

Chew on that one for a while my friends. I miss and love you all.

-The Dreamer

Post #7

My Fellow Americans,

Happy October. I've been here over a month now and am feeling sound as a pound. The kids know me now, I'm making friends, and I'm finally starting to enjoy rotten cabbage and octopus on everything. But, I've never been prouder to be an American, as you will see from the following stories.

Much to tell: Let's start with perhaps the best story from school as of yet. It was a typical Monday. My class of four twelve-year-old boys (the gun-nut gamers) and I were talking about the book we were reading, and something halted us mid-conversation. A violent sound had emanated from one of them and stopped class dead. It was undeniable. Someone had ripped a killer fart.

Now of course, I was given a choice here. As the class exploded into a frenzy of accusations as to who broke wind, I had to decide if I was going to restore order, or wallow in the childish fun of farting. I chose to do both.

"Class, class," I said, using my best teacher's voice. "Calm down. I can easily solve this problem. Are any of you familiar with the American expression 'Whoever smelt it, dealt it?'"

They were not, but after a brief explanation of "dealt it," I asked who was the one who first smelt it. A small boy named Harry raised his hand slowly. I looked him square in the eyes and asked him.

"Were you the one who dealt it?"

With a wide smile on his face, he nodded proudly, and the class roared. It never fails.

Thinking back on my first day, when a girl started crying during class and I had no idea how to handle it, I was a far more inexperienced teacher back then. It's nice to know I'm making a little bit of progress and can deal with the problems of the modern middle school student.

Also speaking of school, my dear American friends, I have been doing a little learning myself. Let me preface this with a question. Do you remember the movie "A Christmas Story" about the little boy who wanted a Red Ryder BB Gun for Christmas? Of course you do. And who could forget the classic Chinese food restaurant scene where the Chinese sing "Fa Ra Ra Ra Ra, Ra Ra Ra Ra!" It's gold. Pure racist comedic gold. Have you ever wondered why Asians pronounce their R's as L's?

It's because in Korea (and other Asian countries), the "R" and the "L" are the same sound. Now you're probably saying, "Dan, that's ridiculous. The R and the L don't sound anything alike." And you'd be right - but not in Korea. They don't distinguish between the two - which makes words like "alright" and "really" an absolute joy to teach.

But before you get on your high horse and say "Wow, English is a superior language," here's a little food for thought. When I got to restaurants and bars with my westerner friends, the waitresses and bartenders never know what the hell we're saying. Why? Because Koreans have sounds we don't. One of the best foods here, kim-bop, is almost impossible for us lazy westerners to pronounce. The "k" in kim is actually a hybrid between a voiced "k" and "g" sound (go ahead, try to do it) and the "b" in bop is something along the lines of trying to say "pop" while moving your lips in the way in which you'd say "b." Sound complicated? It is. And I can't tell a damn bit of difference between their "b", "p", and "bp", sound, but evidently it's pretty substantial, because again, no one can understand me. I'm sure they'd make fun of Americans about it, but they love us way too much to do that.


And if you think I overestimate their love for us, check out these next two stories. It was a classic Tuesday night. We decided to go out for one beer after work. One turned into more than one and we wound up at a karaoke bar with a table of Korean girls that were begging us to get up and do karaoke. I'm pretty sure it would have been a sin not to. So, with the girls dancing behind us, we preformed Jon Bon Jovi's classic "Living on a Prayer" to a full house of Koreans. If you can think of anything more American than that, I'd like to hear it. We rocked it. And of course, we got a crazy applause afterward. Nothing more American than shamelessly promoting your own culture overseas.

But all jokes aside, something truly amazing happened to me that actually made me proud to be an American. It's pretty tough to come out of college without a little loathing for the things America has done. There's a certain liberal guilt that burns in your soul after a university education, and with good reason. America has done some terrible, terrible things. If you've got your doubts, google the School of the Americas. But what's easy to forget is that sometimes we're the good guys. Yes, America does do the right thing too. If you think every country hates us, try going to Korea. Allow me to explain.

I got up early before school one day to go downtown to find the international center in Gwang-ju. It took about an hour to get out there, and by "there" I mean getting lost downtown. Never found it. Feeling like I had wasted my morning, I got on the subway to go home. I sat down, closed my eyes (I was all sorts of tired) and heard a woman's voice.

"Excuse me," she said.

I opened my eyes to see this old, hunched over Korean woman. Her face couldn't have been more than a foot away from mine. I almost jumped. She didn't seem to find anything strange. "Where are you from?" she asks.

"Mi-guk," I answer (Korean word for America).


"America?" she asks. I nod. Then she says something I didn't expect. "God bless America!" She continued after that to talk about how much America has done for her country, how we are the reason South Korea remained independent, how our missionaries do so much for orphanages and starving people over here, how we keep peace with North Korea, and on and on. Then she stopped. I had no idea what to say. I think I blurted something out like "that's great" and she had to get off at her stop.

As she stood at the door, about to get off, I tried to think of something to say, like thank you, or ask her her name, or anything. But I couldn't think of anything. I was speechless. And while this is not the only occurrence of this love of America, it was the most jaw dropping. But little things, like free food and drinks, or people apologizing to me for not knowing more English, are not uncommon. And these humbling moments never stop coming.

Lesson of the day - not everybody thinks America is the devil. Do with that what you will.

But since I can't end on a serious note (because I should never be taken seriously) here's your daily dose of racist humor. You know how non-Asian Americans (whites, blacks, Hispanics) when they're children will sometimes make fun of Chinese or Japanese people by pulling back their eyelids to make their eyes look slanty? The Korean children do the same thing to make fun of the Japanese. My students did it in class. I think the logic is that Koreans are the most "wide-eyed" of the major Asian countries, and they make fun of the others because of it. Either way, watching a Korean child do this was so funny, it might be worth coming out to Korea just to see it.

Maybe not. 

Also - for anyone interested - my Skype info is dan.foley464 and I have finally posed some pictures (you hear that Davey?) The pictures are nothing special, (I'm a writer, not a photographer) but just enough to give you a little taste.

The one above is of this weird red marsh field I saw when I was hiking at the biggest nature reserve in Korea. And the two below are of me with my boss's devil of a child (though very cute) who I tutor everyday for about five minutes before he goes crazy. But I don't blame him. He's three and I'm tutoring him. 

I sprinkled a few more pictures throughout the blog. You'll see them if you scroll through.

Got much more in the wheelhouse for next time. Hope you're all enjoying the blog my patriotic pirates. As always, I miss and love each and every one of you.

-Captain America

Post #6

Hello grasshoppers,

Before I get down to business, you need to know that everything, everything, in this country can be ordered delivery (I already mentioned the scandalous Coffee Girls). But did you know you can get McDonald's delivery here in Korea? That's right, fast food delivery. And somehow, the Koreans manage to stay thin. I don't think we're ready for such things in America yet. But perhaps someday...


I love the T-shirts with English words on them in this country. They're proof that we English teachers are not doing our jobs. Why, you ask? Well, you'd think, between the T-shirt designer and the T-shirt wearer, ONE of the two parties would speak English. But they don't. The proof is pretty self-evident. Walking down the street, you are likely to encounter "Fangs are Fntastic," "Please Go-Go Strike 32," and, oh yes, "Boston, Massachubatts" (not a baseball shirt). And that's excluding all the F-bomb shirts worn by mothers and children..    

I saw a good amount of these T-shirts the shopping district, where I encountered a other few interesting things. The first was a man who stood outside one of the New Balance stores. We referred to him as Stink Eye Guy. He is an overweight, sweaty, bald man with balance issues whose job, the best anyone can ascertain, is to stand outside the store and give people the "stink eye." Hence the name. Understand, he is not a guard, he is just there to give people dirty looks. No uniform, no weapon, not even a name tag. Yet he resides outside the store, like a troll under a bridge, lurking, waiting.

Also while in the open air markets, I sampled a Naju Pear. People, people, you must know: the western world got the pear wrong. The Naju pear is a beautiful thing. It's about the size of a baby's head and it's crisper, juicer, sweeter, and better shaped than our green reject pears. Plus you don't need to let it ripen. I also had a aloe drink, quite tasty, kind of like an energy drink with little aloe beads floating around in it. If it's not already in the States, mark my words, it soon will be.

As for the teaching aspect, I love teaching these kids, but I feel bad for them. Korean students go to school from 8:00 in the morning until 9:00 at night. They go to regular Korean school during the day (8:00 to 3:00) and then head out to places like where I work - hagwons, where they get drilled with English, Chinese, Math, and every other subject under the sun until, well, the sun goes down. They don't really get a lot of time to be kids and go home and play with their friends. Sounds torturous, but there is a plus side.

Korea is so unbelievably safe. The kids get so disciplined, by the time they're eighteen and going off to college, their whole rebellious, criminal, evil impulse nature has been squashed. And they stay working hard all throughout their lives. They don't have time to be criminals. This translates to strange phenomenon you would never see in America, like children walking alone on the city streets at ten at night. With crime, they definitely have their stuff figured out.

And speaking of discipline - it's official, I have found the most badass thing in Korea. I've taken up Kumdo. What's Kumdo, you ask? Well, for you non-Korean speakers, Kumdo is Korean sword fighting. Allow me to repeat that for effect:

Korean Sword Fighting.

I know, I know. Dan Foley is going to be a ninja. Let's be honest, who didn't see that coming? And no, this isn't some lame-ass fencing club.We wield bamboo swords, meditate, and then hack at each other until only champions and bruises remain. If you're interested, Google or Youtube "kumdo" and see the sheer awesomeness unfold.

The instructor doesn't really speak English, the only thing he really knows how to say is "CALM DOWN WHITEY!" but I seem to follow his instructions okay. One guy in the Kumdo gym actually speaks Spanish though, I can stumble my way around most questions by relying on memories from high school Spanish IV.

I've been thinking a lot about language since I've been here, this tool we use to communicate with one another. You know, I came to this country knowing little Korean. I'm going to start taking courses and I've been trying to learn little tidbits here and there (like "please", "thank you", "will you marry me," etc.) but more than anything, I've relied on bilingual people and a lot of pointing. I already mentioned how the woman at church helped me with the hymnal (now anyone sitting next to me helps) but it's not just exclusive to the Godly bunch. Everywhere, everywhere, everywhere people have bent over backwards to communicate with me in English. I am more than appreciative of it, I am humbled. But, the reason I bring this up, (here comes the philosophical part) is because it makes me sad.

Because this would never happen in America. Maybe on a small scale, certain kind people helping out immigrants here and there, but not on a country-wide scale. Total strangers will come and talk to me, welcome me, as I am a stranger in a strange land. And it can be scary. And they see that. And then I look at the way people treat immigrants here, the whole "speak English or get out" mentality. I understand it to a certain level, yes, people should make the effort to learn English if they live in this country. I'm not saying we all need to join hands and sing Kumbaya, I just wish, instead of condemning them - we were more willing to help the random foreigner in America. Just some food for thought.

But that's enough for today. I must return to my Kumdo training. Little piece of advice: next time you see me, I will be so highly trained that I will have the ability to kill a man just by looking at him. Not that I ever would, of course. Unless they deserved it.

I miss and love you all.

-Ninja Dan