Round Two...

Hello Lovers of the Blog,

I'm back. Oh, baby I'm back.

Is it good? Yeah, it's good. The last three weeks have been a blur of soju drinks, emotional reunions, jet lag, and plenty of kimchi for all. But, my friends, before I dive back into my zany adventures, I must first share with you a revelation I had today.

Coming back to Korea after my time in the States, people always ask the same question: "How does it feel?" The feeling is ineffable, and I've struggled for a response to this question until this very day. My answer came from the teachings of everybody's favorite physicist, Stephen Hawking.

Hawking was one of the pioneers of the "multiverse" theory. It's a bit tough to wrap your head around at first, but the gist of it is this: we exist in universe that is one of an infinite number of universes. Why infinite universes? Because he believes that there is a universe for every possible thing that could ever happen. So, in one universe, you, dear reader, are a billionaire oil tycoon who lives on the moon. In another, you're an ice-cold gunslinger who totes a pair of revolvers named "Justice" and "Peacemaker." And in another one of these universes, you simply don't exist. Heavy.

Why am I telling you this (aside from the fact it's just undeniably awesome)? Coming back to Korea feels like stepping between these universes. I'm the same person, but I take on a different identity, with different strengths and weaknesses. For example, as we all know, in America, women throw themselves at me like they're a baseball and I'm Jason Varitek circa 2004. But out in Korea...well I guess it's pretty much the same here. But everything else isn't. The food, the culture, my friends, the crumpled up money in my wallet, even my role in society, are all so profoundly different than in America, it feels I've traveled through a wormhole into another universe. Still, though, I wish it was the gunslinger universe...    

But enough of my absurd existential rants, let's get down with some freaky Korean culture. My Korean artist friend Don Kyu, who we all refer to as "선생님" (seon-sang-neem which means "teacher") took us on an excursion to Bossam, home of the famous green tea fields. As Korea follows the same seasonal progression as America, you're probably wondering how the hell they grow tea at this time of year. Well, they don't. But that doesn't stop them from having the most kick-ass sauna this side of China.

As I've mentioned before, Korean saunas are a bit intense for a first timer. Everyone's naked, for starters, and spends the whole time in such a state. Of course, the genders are separated, much to the delight of women and dismay of men. Still, the YMCA this ain't. You're not quickly changing in the corner of the locker room because you're afraid someone might see that you've gained a couple pounds over the holidays. You're straight chillin with a bunch of other naked people for a while. There's a level of comfort you have to develop with your own body, especially when shriveled seventy-year-old Korean men spend their whole time there gawking at your family jewels (not that they're that impressive, they're just a different color). An old Korean proverb says: "When we see each other naked, we become closer." Makes sense, and there is something powerfully true about this saying. Historically, however, things get a little...intense.

Korean society, before its rapid westernization following the war, was slightly different than today. People were a bit more comfortable with each other than what our uptight Puritanical virtues would deem proper. How comfortable are we talking? I'm glad you asked.

With families often living in the same rooms and social nudity amongst same-gendered people was the norm, certain things flew that would certainly not fly in the States. Because Korea is of the Confucianist Tradition, the older man (whether it be brother, uncle, grandpa, friend) was entitled to a certain respect from the younger man. It's still in effect today. When out drinking or at family parties, the younger guys always get their balls busted by the older guys. But now, "getting your balls busted" isn't taken so literally.

Oh yeah, we're going into a dark place. Prepare your innocent western minds.

It was a common Korean joke, amongst an adolescent boy and an older male, to grab him by his member, give it a bit of a tug, and say, "You're really growing these days." Now, I should assure you, this is not gay nor is there anything sexual about it. It's just kind of a friendly hazing. Albeit, it was weird to hear that for the first time. Koreans, it seems, are just more comfortable with their bodies than we are. Of course, this doesn't happen so much anymore. One of the biggest reasons is because of the YMCA. As it turned out, after the war, immigrant Korean men in America would occasionally do this to boys in the locker room at the YMCA. This obviously led to jail time, where the misunderstood Korean man would plead desperately that it was just some terrible cultural misunderstanding.

Or maybe he was just a pervert. Who knows?

The Bossam Sauna, as it is right along the ocean, features a very interesting hot spring. There are actually several hot springs within the sauna, naturally fed by the ocean waters and superheated for your enjoyment. Alone, it would be enough. But this is Bossam, baby: Green Tea Country. So yes, to answer your next question, they do have a superheated, natural ocean water, green tea hot spring. You become a human tea bag, literally swimming in a pool of green tea. Aside from bringing your body to a transcendent level of relaxation, it's fantastic for your skin, there's an amazing ocean view from the spring, and if you dunk your head under water, your lips taste like green tea for long after you surface. I wouldn't recommend drinking it, but still, pretty cool.

Before we move on, a few pictures of Bossam. Keep in mind, this is during the ugly season.

Another thing of note I've found since I've been back is that Korean guys are getting hotter. No, Dad, this isn't me trying to tell you something. I mean it in the global sense. More and more often, foreigner chicks dig Korean dudes. The opposite (Korean babes with foreigner guys) has always been true and, for my sake, always been awesome. But, with the rise of K-pop, Korean economic influence, Korean fashion, etc., Korean guys are killing it these days, and on any given street, you're more likely to see a Korean dude with a white girl. In the same day, I met two people for the first time. One a Korean guy who said he couldn't stand Korean girls and only dated whities, and a French girl who said she was gunning for the father of her child to be a Korean dude. What a world we live in! 

And with my move to Seoul, I feel lucky to experience even more of it. As I said, it's like stepping into an alternate universe. My first three weeks in Gwang-ju were beautiful and strange: a mixture of many emotions, insights, and plethora of confusion. Some of it was much funnier that others. Perhaps my time in the States changed my perception a tad. Not in an ethical way, more of an unintentionally racist kind of way. For instance, in my first week back, I found myself in my old neighborhood going up and shaking hands with some of my old neighbors. These were people I used to run into and chat with about once a week. The problem was, after being in Greenfield surrounded by white people all the time, I must have reverted to the whole "all Asians-look-alike" mentality, because a number of the people I was shaking hands with had clearly never met me before. In my defense, I was drunk off my ass my first couple weeks in Gwang-ju.

Coming back also reminded me of those strange little things you forget about a place until you get there. Like the downtown area, where clothing stores pump out offensive and sexually disturbing DMX lyrics into the streets while oblivious little children bounce around to the beat. Sometimes it's a beautiful thing the English education programs in this country aren't all that great.
 
Like everything else in life, the best reason to come back was the people. Seeing my Korean brother, my kumdo gym, my church, my Korean class, and my foreigner friends was a wild trip. In one such meeting, a foreigner friend referred to me as one of the "Godfathers of Gwang-ju." You can be assured this went straight to my head. But in that moment, I became aware of the alternate universes. I had forgotten I established a life here. It hit me again when I was studying Korean with my Egyptian friend Doaa at her apartment on a Sunday. Her nine-year-old daughter (fluent in Arabic and Korean, and not too shabby in English), was explaining Korean grammar to her mother in Arabic, who would it turn explain it to me in English, all the while while Don Kyu the Korean artist fell asleep watching TV and my friends Gina (American) and Krista (Canadian) made candy apples. Gwang-ju seems to have created for me a motley crew of a family, so far away from home. I dig the alternate universe. Hell, just the other day, my Korean brother, Alex, and I just visited my Kumdo Master in the hospital, after the successful birth of his baby boy. As we say in Korean "진짜 가족." 

All this and more made leaving for Seoul a few days ago a bittersweet retrospection. But with a new city, comes new adventure, and this gangly white boy is all sorts of excited for this adventure.

Of course, no Foley in Korea Blog would be complete without the mention of food. So here it is: I ate jellyfish. It was surprisingly benign. No electrical shock. No violent vomiting. Just good eatin'. If I had to describe the taste, I would akin it to something of yellow fish sushi that had fused with spaghetti. I know that probably doesn't make sense if you haven't eaten it, but I promise you, if you did, you'd be nodding your head and thanking God for such a fusion. It was truly tasty - served in a wasabi sauce with vegetables.

I will leave you with this, a video of Seoul. The montage is super cheesy and over the top sentimental, and probably not worth watching in its entirety, but it is undeniably beautiful and gives you an idea on the sheer bigness of the city. This is where I will be for at least the next three months, and perhaps, onward in the job market.

There are many stories to be told, my friends, and I hope you will come along with me for round two of my Korean Odyssey. As always, I miss and love each and every one of you beautiful people. Take care, and rock on.

-Seoul Dan