Post #25

Goodbye Korea,

That's right, loyal reader, this is the final Foley in Korea Blog. It's been a ride, and all you readers out there, thanks for going on it with me. Trying to sum up the totality of my experiences here in a single blog post would be surely selling this great land short. So, I've decided to do something much more shallow and fun. As this is Blog #25, welcome to Foley in Korea - the Top 25 List.

The following is the best, the worst, and the weird things about my home for the last year:

25. Modeling
It was inevitable.  I am a model. Well, actually more of a movie star. Yeah, I know. Holy crap.

The other day I was called up by my modeling agency saying they had a gig for me. My massive ego could not resist. I accepted, blind to all details about the shoot. The day before, they informed me I would need to wear a suit as I would be posing as businessman. I shrugged. It sounded reasonable. They were paying me. Why should I worry about the details? Smile here, pose there, get my check and bounce. Easy, right?


Not even in the ballpark. I got picked up at Seoul Station by two men who spoke little English but invited me into their van. They explained on the way about how this was a government video, but could not give details beyond that. Then, while driving on the highway, they pulled over to the side of the road and told me to get out. I did so, and a video crew rolled up behind us. There, while cars flew by going 70, I was supposed to look at a highway sign that read "Kimpo," smile and nod like I knew what the hell was going on, and then walk off camera. It only got weirder from there.


After that, they took me to a dock where they made me stare at fishermen taking nets of crabs out of a boat. Then I held up nets of crabs that pinched at my fingers (all the time wearing a business suit). At one point I shake hands with a little girl in a park and give her a paper airplane that they planned to digitally add fireworks to during the editing process. In case you missed that, let me restate it: a paper airplane that shoots fireworks. I know - I didn't think Koreans had LSD either.


Long story short, halfway through production I figured out they were making a movie called "A Foreigner Visits Kimpo" - Kimpo being the name of the city we were in. Evidently in Korea, having movies about a foreigner who visit your city boosts revenue. And yes, to answer your next question, you can all see this movie next month on the Kimpo city website


Which leads me to number 24...

24. Being a Foreigner Here
Because it's great. Not only are Koreans quick to compliment my handsomeness (if you didn't read 25, yes I am a model in this country) but I am constantly invited to free soju drinking sessions with drunken businessmen, giggled at by groups of caffeine infused coffee shop girls, and barraged with hello's from friendly young children. It's like being a celebrity without, you know, having any talent. Though I have been at least trying to speak their language, which isn't always easy. Like in...


23. Church
Koreans get into church. It's fun here. Rock bands and after parties and free drinks - it's definitely my idea of religion. And at the end of every service - sometimes random people get up and talk, sometimes for a 50 year anniversary or to make an announcement. Because the church community was so much a part of my life here, I wanted to get up in front of the church and thank them. Only problem was, I had to do it in Korean.


Public speaking is not my forte (unless I have about half a dozen cocktails in me, and it seems like that would be slightly inappropriate for church) but doing it in Korean proved to be a struggle and a good testament to my talents in the language. I got a few laughs at the beginning and end and then in the middle no one knew what the hell I was talking about. Nervousness is not a common quality in me, but during that speech, my hands were shaking so much I couldn't read my notes (also in Korean). The one thing that kept me going was this one dude with a big head in the audience who kept nodding when I said things that made sense. So, though he'll most likely never read this, thank you, Korean Big Head Man.


22. G.na
My new favorite K-pop sensation.

This is her song "Bananas." It's swell. For the music quality, of course.

21. The Phrase "Good For Your Health."
Koreans use this to describe everything - from plum wine to pig skin. For some reason I don't always believe them.

20. Cow's Brain
A delicacy of the Jeolla Province and so much more delicious than it sounds. It's not like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom where they eat the monkey brains right out of the skull. No, no, my friends, it's cut up and grilled for your enjoyment. It's tender and, according to Koreans, good for your brain. It's always served with cow blood soup (not joking) and cow testicle pizza (okay, that one's a joke).



19. Korean Hospitals
So let's say you electrocute yourself. Happens to the best of us. Luckily, you didn't die. Sounds good right? But now you have to go to an American hospital without an appointment. That means an hour of waiting in one room, another thirty in a smaller room, a conversation with the nurse, waiting, testing, more waiting, and then maybe you see the doctor who tells you you're fine or you need to come back. Either way, two hours of your life you're never getting back.

I broke my foot once in Korea and thought I did a second time. I must have visited the hospital six times this year. My longest stint was maybe half an hour. There's none of the unnecessary questionnaire nonsense, no second waiting room. You show up and get called to see the doctor. And their doctors are solid. Hell, they lead the world in stomach cancer treatment. But the reason why is disturbing, as we will see by analyzing...

18. The Habits of Korean Men
They work hard, and they play hard. You know that time your boss took you and your coworkers out for drinks on a Friday night and got you all way too drunk and your Saturday morning was hell? Imagine that, two or three times a week, exclusively on weeknights. These are what Korean businessmen refer to as "meetings." They start around seven or eight and go until the boss says you can stop drinking. These aren't mandatory, unless you value your job, in which case they are. Turning down an invitation for drinks is a clear sign of weakness in this country.

But between the consumption of soju (rice wine that can take the paint off a car), kimchi (which we all know is spicy as hell), and a chain-smoking cigarret-a-thon, Korean men's stomachs tend to have the consistancy of Swiss Cheese. Hence, their stomach cancer treatment rates are the best in the world. But they're not the only ones in this country that have issues.  

17. The Habits of Korean Women
They smoke too. But it's considered unfit or unladylike to do so, so smoking usually transpires in dark alleys or public bathrooms. Alongside the secret tobacco addiction is the far more prolific addiction to coffee shops, which are so plentiful in Korea, they are often used as landmarks when giving directions. Young Korean women frequent these Starbucks clones, slugging green tea lattes and taking pictures of themselves with their cellphone every five minutes to make sure they still look just as shallow as before.


16. Korean Girls' Legs
I guess I'm pretty shallow myself.


15. Daegu
So I was supposed to take the GRE's a few Saturdays ago in the city of Daegu. This is a city of which I knew nothing. Being responsible, I got into Daegu at ten the Friday night before and started looking for a hotel near the university where the test was. Only problem was, there were three universities by the same name. So, when I called the GRE services for further clarification, I learned that somehow, my registration had not gone through, and I couldn't take the test. Boy was my face red.

But not all was lost. I was faced with a decision. I could

1.) Catch a four hour bus ride back to Gwangju, putting me home at three in the morning.

OR

2.) Party all night long in a city where I knew no one and take the 6:00AM bus back to Gwangju.

Of course we all know what I chose

Daegu was full of surprises. I found some foreigners who took me out to a this bar called Thursdays. Never before had I seen such a happy mesh of foreigners and Koreans, dancing, laughing, drinking. There I met three Korean guys there who boozed it all night with me and then took me out for pork bone soup as the sun began to rise over those Daegu hills. A very cool spot and a place I would consider living for Korea Round 2.

14. Red Beans
They use red bean out here like we use chocolate. Tastes similar but way healthier. Two thumbs up. Plus, good for your health.


13. My Students
I've said this a lot, but I'll tell you, nothing beats a half hour "conversation" class with your eleven-year-old student asking how to earn stars in Mario 64. In English of course. Honestly, I don't know why I get paid to do these things.

12. Konglish
It's Korean-English. Words like "Pa-na-na" (Banana) and "Re-bol-bah" (Revolver) and "A-chill-es Ten-don-i-tis-uh" (I'm sure you can get that one). Either way, it makes learning Korean easier, and it's usually good for a laugh. (Though for some reason, "Canada" is just "Canada.")
 

11. Motel District
In some cities in Korea, especially ones at the crossroads that get a lot of traveling businessmen, the Motel District in inevitable. No matter how you picture it in your mind, I promise you it's one thousand times seedier than than anything your mind can muster. It's two square city blocks with nothing but neon light up hotel signs and "businessmen bars." These "businessmen bars" along with "businessmen karaoke rooms" feature "helpers" that will sing and drink with you. To put it bluntly, finding a girl in this district who's not a hooker would take nothing short of a miracle. After going to said location, I recommend taking a shower. Maybe two.


10. Live Octopus

Oh baby. I've had a lot of strange things in this country (pupa, fermented stingray, fish eyes) but this one takes the cake. It's octopus chopped up into pieces and served raw. You know, like sushi. So it's not cooked. And it's dead. Except that it's not.

The tentacles still move.

I'm not talking a little twitch here and there, I'm saying they will literally crawl off your plate and away from you. I experienced this with my Korean brother and his wife, and while delicious, it's a little unnerving when you're chewing something that crawls out of your mouth and stick to the side of your face. In the past, foolish people have tried eating tentacles whole and have choked to death. The tentacle found a way to choke the eater despite the significant disability of being dead.

I had two videos of myself munching on this - but they were far too large of files for this blog. So here's some random guy doing it. Fast forward to 2:00 in to skip the boring talking.

9. Being Confused For Tom Cruise Everyday
Dig it.


8. Korean Festivals
The other day, I was invited to a Korean Games Festival in which ancient games are celebrated. The foreigner community was invited to take part - and let me tell you, it was worth it. We played a game known as Chajon-nori.We were divided into two teams. Then in the middle of the biggest road in the city, as a metal pot banging band cheered us on, each team lifted a giant wooden beam with wooden hoops on the end - and then charged each other like angry bulls. The winner was the team that smashed the other team better. Why did we do this? Because it's awesome.


After we finished, the Koreans did the same - only on a much larger scale. It looked something like this

7. Convenience
It's Wednesday night. 3:00AM. You can't sleep because you're hungry and a swarm of mosquitoes won't leave you alone. But there's no food in your fridge and you've got nothing to keep away those hell-spawned insects. In America, you're in for a night of misery. But Korea, there are so many restaurants open 24/7, and if not, there's always a Ministop, Family Mart, or 7Eleven right on your street corner. That's right, you don't even have to drive to get your fix of barbecue chips and bug spray. And that's a life saver, truly truly. Speaking of which...



6. Mosquitoes
I don't know if Korean blood is hyper rich in iron or if their buildings are so poorly insulated that a cat could squeeze under a door, but I had at least three mosquitoes every night in my tiny one room apartment until I left at the end of October. It didn't matter how many I killed - there were always more. But because they drew first blood (and because it's impossible to pass out with their evil siren song in your ear) I spent many a sleepless night learning to become a master of slaying those bloodsuckers. Truly, I am a dead eye with a dish towel. But that doesn't compare to my skills at...


5. Kumdo
I have become the American Ninja. Not quite a black belt yet - but my sword fighting skill is strong. I have had epic battles against my own brother, kumdo masters, and even fought in a tournament (where I got my ass kicked by a third degree black belt). But I think nothing compares to fighting a fifteen-year-old rookie my last week of kumdo. While trying a manuever he was not even close to ready for, I ended up taking his bamboo stick to the groin. I distinctly remember the sound it made as a hollow thud. While I was in the fetal position on the floor, crying in agony from the deathblow, I learned something as laughter filled the dojo. Men getting hit in the crotch is funny in all cultures. Except of course, if you're that man.


4. Foreigners
Korea has radically changed my opinion on Canadians and Brits for the better. As fellow teachers, we constantly wage a war against Korean nine-year-olds. This builds comradery, and helps me to overlook past rivalries in Hockey and , you know, war. But truly, the foreign community of Gwangju is a strong one, and most of us are pretty well-behaved. And hell, for the most part, Koreans seem to dig us.

The only real anti-American sentiment comes from the behavior of American military personnel. Note that not all American soldiers cause problems in this fair land, but enough do that many places in Seoul have banned American soldiers because of the destruction they have caused. Seriously, there are a staggering number of fights that start at their hands. It has gotten to the point that, if caught in one of these "banned bars" as an American Soldier, they can be court marshaled. I support our fighting men and women, truly I do, but come on guys - remember who you're representing.  



3. Street Food
A heaping plate of sweet and sour pork for a buck fifty. I don't think life gets any better. Just saying. You think putting it at number 3 is too high? Clearly you've never had it before.   



2. People
The people here almost take the number one spot. Because they're awesome (shown below Korean family).

If I can be serious for a moment, you'll understand why. I entered into a country knowing neither the language nor a single person. In a year, I have made friends who have taken me under their wing and shown me their beautiful country and students who have changed the way I speak, act, and think. There are foreigners who have been a taste of home for me in the good times and a comfort to me in darker times. I have a man here who calls me brother and his family who have taken me in as one of their own. I even managed to fall in love out here with an incredible girl. So given all that - what do people take a back seat too?

1. 정
"정" or for you non-Korean speakers, "Jeong," is a concept introduced to me while eating crab fries and slanging beers with Alex. My understanding of 정 has grown, through experiences dueling my sword fighting brothers, taking moonlit beach walks, fighting back the desire to choke out my students, and saying "gam-bay" (cheers) while I booze it with my friends. 정 is all of these things. It is a concept that appears in Korean medicine but is used more wildly to describe the interactions between people. We have no word for it in English, and while I feel inadequate to describe it justly, I want to try.

정 is a connection, an energy between people, like a life force. Korean people put this energy above love and hate, and good and evil. It is passion, and love, and hatred. It flows in us. And people can have 정 alone, or with one another. Your soul mate, the one you understand the best - you have good 정 with them. But that witch in H.R. that you always get into a shouting match with, or that jackass guy who you almost came to blows with at the bar last night, you have 정 with them too. 정 is so many things. The only thing it really isn't is stagnant. It is not stable, nor is it stationary. It moves, it flows, it lives.

My experience in Korea, the relationships I have and still have, cannot be quantified. While I am lucky enough to say most of Korea has been good to me, there has been tragedy and sadness too. If there was one way to describe my life here, in just a single sentence, it would be this: My life in Korea was saturated with 정. And that makes me happy in a way I don't think I could ever really describe.

My fellow Americans, I will be back home for Thanksgiving - I will be seeing all of you very soon.
But first, dear reader, I must complete my odyssey of Thailand with Mr. Adam Brown. Perhaps you will see one more blog after this - detailing the absurdity of our travels.


I hope you know it humbles me to have readers, so I will close with this.



Thanks for reading - because you, my reader, helped my 정 flow strong.
-Daniel J. Foley