That's right, Foley in Korea #17 is the Naked Blog. Why the Naked Blog? We'll get to that later. First, some business.
Some would find calling an entire nation of people "thieves" to be a brash and borderline racist statement. Clearly, I am not one of these people. But don't get me wrong. That's what I love about this country. The stealing. What kind of larceny is this? Are the Koreans robbing precious jewels? Are they embezzling mass quantities of drug money? No. The only thing they steal here (other than my heart), is about every movie, document, song, video game, and online thing you can possibly think of.
I know what you're thinking, "Dan, we live in America. We know all about stealing music. Remember Napster? You're just telling us information we already know. This blog sucks." You just calm down for a minute. Yes, people in America steal music and movies at a reasonable pace. At the same time, there are plenty of people who pay for such things (which, at the risk of getting on my high-horse, I am a huge supporter of). But these kind of people just don't exist in Korea. When I mention things like "paying for music on iTunes" or "legally purchasing DVD's," Koreans look at me like I have a nail in my head. So what's the cause of the ransacking of copyrighted information?
BitTorrent. The program BitTorrent is nothing short of prolific in Korea. For those of you who don't know, BitTorrent allows users to download ENORMOUS files that have been compressed, so you can do it in a shorter time. We're talking about downloading HD full length feature films and entire series of televisions shows.
What sweetens the pot is the Korean internet service. It pummels America in terms of internet. Not only do they rank above America in the list of "Countries with Highest Internet Penetration," (The Falkland Islands were #1, who knew?) but Korean internet is faster on average than American. How much faster? America ranks twelve in the world with an average connection speed of 4.60 Mbits/second. Meanwhile, Korea is the gold medal winner with an absurd average connection speed of 16.63 Mbits/second. That's four times faster than America's AND twice as fast as Hong Kong's, which ranks number two on the list of fastest internet connections. Couple that with the fact that most Koreans have external hard drives with a terabyte (read: crapload) of space , they can have every episode of everything ever played on "Nick at Nite" in about five minutes without breaking a sweat. So why the hell would they pay? Plus the copyright laws here mean about as much as the "no smoking in the bathroom" signs, so there's no fear of Big Brother breathing down their neck. Ethics be damned!
And if you're still sitting there, saying "Listen Foley, I got so many illegal movies on my computer and a great connection speed. Korea is just like America. You're wasting my time." To you, my arrogant friend, I ask this: Have you ever downloaded an Xbox 360 game to your computer?
Didn't think so.
Computers and thievery are so important that no one really buys Xbox 360's and PlayStation 3's out here. Instead of spending four hundred dollars for three games, two controllers and a system, they can just download it for free. The only thing people really buy in Korea are Nintendo Wii's, and that's because they're just so damn fun.
While we're on the subject: if there's one thing I love, it's video games. Oh do I ever. But not as much as Korea. How much do Koreans love video games? The 1998 computer game Starcraft is Korea's national sport. Yup. Forget baseball, out here video games=sport. They take gaming seriously. But I don't think you understand how seriously. I stole some of the next pieces of information from this Cracked article, so if you want to read it yourself, you can get the full story. But between my own experience and a little research, here's the good stuff learned.
There is a television channel almost exclusively devoted to Starcraft games. Every day is footage of the 1998 game being played by Starcraft pros. That's right, Starcraft gaming is a profession out here. People get money to play video games. To be fair, this game requires a great amount of strategy and practice. But, what is truly bizarre is that people pay money to watch. The true testament to the immensity of this game can be seen in Starcraft tournaments. The finals of their 2005 tournament (the equivalent in their sports world to the World Series or Superbowl) had 120,000 people live in attendance. Holy crap. For comparison, Fenway park has a seating capacity of about 37,000.
The pros train like wild, too. Six days a week, at least ten hours a day. Their goal? Try to make as many moves as possible per minute. The best pros can pull off about 300 moves per minute. What does that look like? I'm glad you asked. Check out the video below. About nine seconds in, you'll see what I'm talking about.
And these dudes get chicks too. Super hot chicks. Super hot chicks who watch them play Starcraft all day long. It probably doesn't hurt that some of these dudes make about three hundred grand a year. It's no Tom Brady-esk salary, but still, it ain't bad.
And speaking of Tom Brady comparisons, my ego is out of control here with celebrity comparisons. You're probably aware I've been told out here that I look like Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, and Johnny Depp (just to name a few) but the other day, out with some of my Korean friends, I received a comparison that even my massive ego couldn't support. Who could be so monumental, who could be so incredible that even I don't think I should be mentioned among the likes of?
Jesus Christ.
Well, Jesus Christ from Passion of the Christ. They said I looked like the dude who played Jesus in that movie. I decided that they think all white people look the same. And, quite frankly, they might be right. But damn I'm handsome.
Now, while I should not be compared to the King of Kings, there is a true saint in the Gwangju community. I am referring, of course, to the beloved Chicken Lady. This gorgeous fifty-odd year old woman is the leading supplier of drunk food in downtown Gwang-ju. Loved far more by foreigners than Koreans for one simple reason - the Hamcheese Toast-ee. American (kind of) style. Legend has it, the Chicken Lady came up with this recipe on a serious bender when she was super hungry, but was low on supplies in her fridge. Somehow, perhaps with the help of an angelic presence, she created the Hamcheese Toast-ee, the perfect balance of flavor. What is it? Essentially, it's an egg (mixed with some kinda of sprout and seasoning), a slab of ham, and melted cheese sandwich with pickles, mayonnaise, ketchup, and the secret ingredient that pulls it all together: kiwi sauce. Sounds nasty, and it is. But also very delicious. For a buck fifty, when you can't walk straight, there's no better food.
Except for maybe Chicken Lady's deep fried, crabbed stuffed jalapeno peppers. Yes, they're as good as they sound, and not at all spicy until the next morning, if you catch my drift. Ironically, Chicken Lady's chicken on a stick - not that good. No one really gets it.
Bur I know what you all came here for, and that's hard core male nudity. Well, my perverted friends, I have a story that should satisfy your strange urges. This takes place at the Korean institution known as the "Gimgilbong."
The Koreans call it a "bathroom" but that's like calling Chicago a town. It's kinda like a public spa, but with strange and quirky features. My Korean buddy Alex took me there early Saturday evening. We checked our shoes in and got the spa clothes (baggy shorts and a t-shirt) and proceeded to the men's side. Having never been to a spa before, I didn't know what to expect. What did I see? A lot of naked dudes. Like, a lot. Not locker room style, where people are changing and minding their own business. I'm talking full out naked Korean men, hanging all over the place, having intense conversations with each other like they were wearing clothes. I knew what I was up for when I saw this one old guy was bouncing around in a massage chair, buck naked save for the small towel resting on his chest. I felt really bad for that chair.
After showers, we threw on the spa clothes and proceeded to the co-ed sauna area. It was two stories of stuff ranging from a restaurant, to arcade games, to PC rooms, to ice cream vendors, to bedrooms. It was warm, but nothing serious. What was truly impressive was the legitimate sauna rooms. Various rooms, each built from a unique material like brick, coal, or stone, each with different temperatures. There was the frigid ice room (complete with real ice!). Then there were the normal sauna rooms at about 120F. There was the big boy sauna room that boasted 159F. But all of those paled in comparison to what I refer to as "The Oven."
The Oven was a room shaped like a cone, made of stone with wooden planks lining the walls. The only way to access it was through a glass crawl space. In this room, they don't tell you the temperature. To give you an idea of how hot it was, it was impossible to breathe in there without a towel wrapped around your face. The heat tore your lungs apart. In minutes, beads of sweat formed on my skin the size of beans. I would wager if a person stayed in there for six to eight hours, they would become something like the consistency of pulled pork. They would probably taste pretty good too.
They had massage chairs in the co-ed (clothed) area, which I took full advantage of. I was tempted to get a actual Korean massage, but I was nervous. A few weeks ago, a lady friend of mine received a special Korean massage designed to promote bodily health. I asked her out for drinks that night, but she declined, saying, "When you see me, you'll know why." The next day I saw her. She showed me her back. It resembled something I saw in an episode of Law and Order: SVU. No kidding, it looked like someone had mercilessly wailed on her back, switching between a tire iron and a billy club. And it wasn't just her back. Her arms, legs, and even under her chin were straight black a blue. I offered to fight this masseuse for her, but she assured me this was how it was supposed to look. Not unsurprisingly, I didn't get a massage on Saturday.
The highlight of the Gimgilbong was, without doubt, the Korean scrub down. Korean tradition is, at the end of a trip to a Gimgilbong, you are given something that resembles a loofah. With it, among other naked men, you sit in these strange dentist-waiting-room seats, and scrub. Hard. The goal is to rid yourself of dead skin particles. Yes, I know how attractive that sounds. But oh wait, it gets better.
You know how, when you're at the beach, there's always one area of your body you have trouble reaching? Bingo: the back. So, Gimgilbong tradition is, you and the...uh...other naked guy, take turns...uh...vigorously scrubbing down the other one's back to remove dead skin. Now, I didn't mind chilling with all the naked dudes or the little kids staring at my American package, but this was a little bit more of a stretch for me. But honestly, it wasn't all that bad. At first, it was a little awkward, but after a few seconds, wasn't weird at all. And even though I was naked behind another naked man, rubbing down his back with a bristled cloth, it was totally not gay.
Except for maybe when he told me to go "harder."
But truly, an excellent experience. Good chilling with my man Alex, afterwards I felt like I had been cleansed, both body and mind. I felt a peace. I could close my eyes, and question the mysteries of the universe, like why are we here? And why are Korean guys naturally hairless?
But that's all for today, lovers of Korea. I miss and love you all, and I truly mean that.
-Naked Dan
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