Bonus Blog: Foley and Brown in Thailand

Hello Ladyboy Aficionados,

Call it an epilogue. Call it a sequel. Call it a booze-fueled, crazy-monkey odyssey. Either way, I needed to do something foolish after my tenure in Korea - and a month long excursion to Thailand seemed just what the doctor ordered. Accompanied by my partner in crime, the one-and-only Adam Brown, we sought out adventure in Southeast Asia armed with only backpacks and nowhere near enough underwear and adventure is what we got. Our journey was episodic in the sense each place brought with it a certain objective and feeling, and thus, I've divided this blog up into chapters, detailing each place and the stories that are PG-13 enough to tell. So, I give you: Foley and Brown in Thailand.

 I made this nifty map in paint - so you can see our journey from start to finish in a geographical sense. Just start at 1, and then go to 2, and, well, you get it.

1. Bangkok Beginnings

For those of you without a television, or those of you who live in a cave with your hands over your ears singing all day, you may have heard that Bangkok is flooded. We experienced very little of this directly (save for the flash monsoon rains that hit for about an hour while we were there), but taking the train into the city, you could see the destruction. Farms had become swimming pools, houses had been pummeled, though the downtown area was unscathed. The Thai government made sure of this - they put everything they had to save the downtown area. Why? Because Thailand is a land of tourism - and that's where the money is, baby. How much of the mindset of these people is devoted towards taking away your sweet, sweet green? Read on, dear friend, and judge for yourself.

The first thing in Bangkok you notice (after the thick ninety-two degree climate and the pollution that blankets the city) is the Tuk-Tuk drivers. This is the Bangkok Taxi of sorts, a carriage for two (or three skinny people) strapped on to the back of a motor scooter. The pilots of these vessels are a friendly folk with questionable ethics. There is no meter on these taxis, you decide the price beforehand. These negotiations always devolve into a haggling match, where you pretend to walk away in the end and then get a kind of reasonable price. The thing to beware is the Tuk Tuk driver offering you a good price to begin with - because along the way, you're going to make a stop. Where? At a suit store, because he made a deal with his buddy, the suit store salesman, to supplement is pay check a bit. And he's not going anywhere til you've dropped thirty five bucks American on a pair of silk pants.

But the people on the whole seem very genuine, especially the food vendors. Street food is king in Bangkok. It was also two of our favorite things: spicy and cheap. Entire markets dealt delicious street food, ranging from meat on a stick to Thai Iced Tea to fruit pancakes to Pad Thai to cockroaches. Yup. And of course, with my adventurous (stupid) mindset, I had to try one.

Crunchy, lots of seasoning, but hey, where's the taste?

But no first night in Bangkok would be complete without a night spent slugging tallboys while perusing the Red Light District. You know, sex tourism is one of those things you hear is popular in Bangkok, but the sheer breadth of it (and the shamelessness with which it is promoted) is jaw-dropping. Adam and I were offered more ping-pong shows (if you don't know, don't ask) than we could count. And while we didn't actually take part in any of it, we were approached by a hooker at the end of the night who was trying to go home with both of us. We offered her twenty Bath (the equivalent of about sixty-eight cents) and a half eaten bag of wantons. When she accepted, we got the hell out of there.

Because Bangkok was so flooded, we decided to take off the next night and go North. That afternoon though, we caught a movie at the local theater. While the theater itself was near immaculate (especially compared to how dirty most of the city was), the true thing of note was the tribute to King Rama IX before every movie. Thai people love their King. Unlike the Royal Family of Britain, the Thai people revere their king with an almost god-like respect, and not without good reason. The King, while now having no official political power, is (alongside the head Buddhist monk) an adviser to all political parties and leaders in the country. He stands as a symbol of peace in the nation, and so, before movies, everyone stands in honor of the king.

2 Chiang Mai: "Oh My Buddha"

After a cool fourteen hours aboard a bus that had an ambiguous definition of the word "bathroom," Mr. Brown and I arrived in Chiang Mai - known as the "lively northern capital." Boasting a population of two hundred thousand, it's the second largest city in Thailand. Surrounded by jungles, the objective was clear in Chiang Mai: trekking. You go to Chiang Mai to get down with your monkey self.


We embarked on a three day excursion into the lush jungles north of the city. Accompanying us was our fearless guide JJ - a small Thai man who lived by the philosophy "no money, no honey" and used the phrase "Oh my Buddha!" to express surprise. The Dutch also gave a good showing, as we were joined by three Netherlands Natives who we became tight with over those three days.

The jungles were teeming with life. It was natural to see a water snake slithering away or find a spider as big as your hand chilling out between trees. I spent about half my roll of film taking pictures a spider the size of my hand, which infuriated Adam to no end.

But seriously, the jungle was varied and awesome. Observe:

After covering over six miles (10km) in the jungle, we arrived at a village of rice-growers who lived in huts. There, we joined them for dinner, a chicken a vegetable dish, and then starting crushing cheap Thai liquor while a village boy played a bizarre rendition of "When I'm a Billionaire" on his guitar. It got dark around six thirty, which meant that by seven, you could barely your hands in front of you, but that didn't stop us from drinking late into the night, as the villagers went to sleep. I'd wager it was around nine o'clock when the village boy (I'm guessing he was about seventeen) came out and tried to get us to play his guitar. When we declined (none of us knew how) he nodded his head, looked both ways, and then asked, very nonchalantly:

"Hey, you wanna smoke opium?"

He went on to tell us how he downed thirty opium pipes a night. I was baffled that he still had all his teeth.

Still later that night, after I stopped one of our drunken Dutch friends from lighting the picnic table on fire, nature called. I stumbled through the darkness with my feeble flashlight to the hole in the ground designated "toilet." I squatted, toilet paper clenched tight, and tried to enjoy the gentle peace of the night. My feet had been walking all day and were ripe with blisters, so I wasn't surprised when they started to tingle. But then they started to itch. Then they felt like they were on fire. I screamed, jumping up and ditching the TP. I beamed my flashlight on my foot. In the dim light, I could make out an unholy nest of fire ants engulfing my foot, clearly pissed I had woken them up. I ran away, slapping my foot furiously. I lost the toilet paper (which Adam was thrilled with) and no longer felt like using the bathroom. But while I may have lost the battle, I won the war when I drowned those biting bastards the next morning.

The next night we stayed at the waterfall which gets the award for best morning shower ever. Two kittens from the village slept in the bed with me which made me extremely nervous because they were so small I thought if I rolled over in the middle of the night I would kill them. But luckily, no kitten pancakes.

The last day: riding elephants and bamboo rafts. Riding elephants is one of those things that sounds fun til you do it. You sit on a bench atop the back of the great beast while the pilot sits atop the head, armed with a tool that is half wooden hammer and half metal hook. Yes, the hook is for if they get crazy, and yes, that should give you an indication of how unrelaxing riding these gray behemoths is. The problem was, two small elephants (small in the way a Volkswagen is small) had a little rivalry and decided to get in a fight around the three larger elephants we were riding. It was tough enough for the elephants to trek up these steep, muddy hills, but with the little ones farting around beneath, some of the bigger ones started getting pissed, screaming at them, and rocking around to the point we thought we were all going to die.

Oddly enough, the bamboo raft ride proved even more dangerous. It's a standing raft built for four to five people and it moves at a good clip down the river. Below the raft is shallow, rocky water, but it's really not something to worry about...unless your boat is full of douchey Spanish guys whose collective goal in life is to capsize this pleasant vessel. The result? Adam's feet got torn to shreds on the rocks below and I was on crutches for the next 24 hours with a twisted ankle (though the Thai nurses did think I was cute).

Still, this didn't stop Adam from exploring Chiang Mai the next day while I took a Thai massage course (though strangely they left out the section on "happy endings.") We also met a fantastic Thai radio host near a Buddhist Temple who shared with us his wisdom on life (though again, no happy endings).

3 Phuket's Lovely Ladyboys

We flew down to Phuket (yes, all places in Thailand have funny names) and had the please of staying there for just a single night. Phuket is known for its...colorful nightlife. What's there to say? Well, the first thing I noticed when we left our hotel was this gorgeous girl in a phone booth. Long, flowing hair, amazing body, smooth skin...and totally a dude. And then I saw another. And another.

Welcome to Ladyboy Land.

Why does Thailand embrace sex-changes and cross dressing as much as it does? I'll never know. But the seafood place we ate at featured exclusively ladyboy servers and the club we met at afterwards turned out to be a hodgepodge of ladyboys, Thai prostitutes, and filthy old European Men. Scuzzy does not begin to describe this place. Ladyboys were way too friendly (especially with Adam and me). I constantly felt the need to yell out "I need an adult!"

The night culminated as all good ones do, with a catfight (brawl) between two hookers. It was wild. Haymakers and dropkicks, furious scratching. At first it was entertaining but it got brutal real quick. When Hooker A got Hooker B's hair in a vice grip, I decided enough was enough and tried to pull them apart. But my goal proved difficult to achieve. It took three of us to drag her back, and she still got away and smashed the other girl over the head again. I was baffled by the situation until Adam informed me they were not women, but rather men. Just really convincing ladyboys.

4. You Down With Koh Phi Phi?

Koh Phi Phi (pronounced like "pee pee") was our first stop of island living. The Andaman Coast is considered by many to be the most beautiful part of Thailand. For reference, the (stupid) Leonardo DiCaprio movie "The Beach" was filmed right next to Koh Phi Phi.

Koh Phi Phi was infested with expats for the better and worse. Restaurants were knockouts - boats literally brought fresh fish to the restaurant chefs who would grill them outside right in front of you. One bar featured a Thai boxing ring that you could settle your drunken disputes in (unfortunately, Adam and I did not have any). And to ensure the island's clean air, it was devoid of any motorized vehicles. This was great, except at four in the morning when you're slammed and you don't know where your bungalow is.

Ours was located at the top of this stone staircase that rivaled Machu Picchu, but featured a lovely view of the island. Seen here.

One great stories comes from this bungalow.

I went home early (4:00am) and Adam stayed out for another hour. When he got home, the door closing woke me up. I shot up in bed.

"Dude - were you knocking on the roof?" I yelled, confused and disoriented.

"What?" asked a tired Adam Brown.

"I heard knocking man."

"You were dreaming, dude," he said. "Go to bed."

I looked around. "Maybe you're right..."

But he wasn't right. An hour later, as the sun peaked over the hills and cast its rays over the island, a family of monkeys landed on our porch and started throwing shit around. There was a mama monkey and four babies. By the time I got over the initial shock and reached for my camera though, they were gone...

However, in a place known as Monkey Beach "only accessible to boats" (Adam and I swam), we encountered several more monkeys, who had a strange love of Coca Cola and public sex acts.

Koh Phi Phi was awesome for its nightlife (it's hard to get sick of firedancers) and is quite possibly the most romantic place I've ever been. Thank God I was there with Adam (wink).

5. Kooooooooooohhh TAAAOOOOOOOO!

Koh Tao was stop number five. To pronounce it, as demonstrated to us by our friend Nini the Thai Pharmacist, you have to sound like a character from Street Fighter charging up and releasing a fireball. (Also, as a side note, her pharmacy name was "Nopporn Pharmacy." I really think they try to have the dirtiest English names in this country.)

To put it nicely, the journey to Koh Tao was unpleasant. Taking a three hour bus across the peninsula would have been fine, if Adam and I weren't stuck with the only seats that didn't recline below the air conditioner that had leaked so much water that the ceiling had rotted away and by the end of the trip we felt like we had a grasp on Chinese water torture

That was followed by the "night boat" - a refreshingly long seven hour boat ride with beds. I'm not one to complain, even with grimy pillows and low ceilings, but when you cram a hundred people sleeping in a room together, you're bound to get one or two jackasses. I found the biggest one, a chunky blonde backpacker (and his friends), in beds right next to mine. This yellow-haired dude decided, because sleep is for losers, he would loudly tell mind-numbingly unfunny stories about a murderer aboard the night boat. Half an hour into it, I was about to make his story true and strangle him with my dirty underwear.

But Koh Tao, once we got there, was all about the diving. Our driver teachers all possessed the Jacque Cousteau accent, putting us at ease, and our diving instructor in the field was a Dutch man with a blonde dread ponytail who went by the name "Merlin."

Over the course of four days we became scuba certified. After the first day and a half of movies and readings and classrooms so boring I thought they shot me with a horse tranquilizer, it was time to get in the water. Scuba diving is both frustrating and awesome. There is a lot of preparation and annoyance, lots of rules and regulations, but when you finally get down there, it's just really cool. The only point of worry is the whole "don't go to the surface too fast or your lungs will explode like hand grenades soaked in lighter fluid" precautions they drill into you. They drill these in enough that, on separate dives, Adam and I were convinced we had decompression sickness, though as luck would have it, we didn't.

But again, totally worth it. Alongside a Frenchman and a Mexican, we made six dives, the deepest being 60 feet (18m). It sounds obvious, but tropical fish are really, really colorful. And you always hear about big schools of fish, but when you see what looks like a thousand barracuda darting around in this fluid, ocean harmony, it is nothing short of jaw-dropping. Frenchy was supposed to upload a video of this excursion, but it turns out he was full of lies.
The last day we were a bit suba-ed out, so we rented motor scooters and tore up the island. We snuck down to a private beach with water so clear you didn`t even need a mask to see the fish. There we met these cool Thai-Chinese-American girls, which was impressive because we could count the number of Americans we met on one hand. The sheer number of Aussies and Eurotrash in Thailand was truly remarkable.

Here is a view from the overlook to the private beach below.

As crazy as everything else was, nothing could prepare us for the ball-busting insanity of Koh Phangan.

6. Koh Panagan: Redefining Sloppiness


Before I continue, I would like to say that, while the Thia people are extremely pleasant and kind, their language sounds like a cat being dangled above a trash compactor. Just saying.

Koh Panagan is famous for the Full Moon Beach Party (happens every full moon) where tens of thousands gather for the biggest beach party in the world. And oh yes, there is craziness, and drugs, and partying, and more drugs. But the drugs are dangerous for more than just the typical "it might mess you up" mentality. The Lonely Planet, under "Dangers and Annoyances" says this:

"Drug dealers are typically shot. No questions asked."

That`s right, welcome to flavor country. Getting caught with drugs is often a mandatory three years in jail, and while the idea of a Thai jail may sound pleasant, I`m guessing its not.

The objective here was partying - and the first night was the pre-party to the Full Moon. The drink of choice for these parties is the "bucket." The bucket is a bucket consisting of:

1. About a pint of alcohol
2. An energy drink (often Red Bull)
3. Some fruit juice to take the edge off
4. Ice

Now, I would not call myself a tank nor a lightweight. But when I ordered a Vodka Redbull bucket - I assumed I could handle at least one. Three-fourths of the way into it though, I was feeling like something had been slipped to me. I was paranoid, my chest was tight, my heart was racing, I wanted to dance way too much and keep everyone together or I was afraid something terrible would happen.

When I started compulsively falling asleep next to my friends, I figured it was time to go home. It took me to the last day to discover what had happened (other than the off-chance I had developed narcolepsy). Red Bulls in Thailand are four times strong than in America. My Vodka Redbull contained two of said energy drink, which is the equivalent of drinking eight Redbulls alongside eight shots of vodka in a short period of time. Keep in mind, I don`t even drink coffee. So no wonder my body started to crash around two in the morning...

But the next night was the real deal - the Full Moon Party. We were joined by our Dutch Trekking Buddies and the Thai-Chinese-American Beach Girls - and thank God we had them because the beach was madness. Among the tens of thousands gathered were creepers in predator mode, drugged out people sprinting on the beach for some reason, a legion of thieves and pickpockets, and of course, a bunch of dudes who felt like the beach was their toilet (I was among the latter). But there were also water slides (my ass still hurts) and flaming jump ropes for the truly brave, good music, and good times to be had by all.

The following night had a party off the beaten path that required a twenty minute boat ride to a deserted beach that held a club a five minute walk in. The party itself was alright (too many dudes) but the real story lies in the trip home. There were four of us, Adam, myself, and two of the Dutch guys. We just wanted a boat ride home. It was five in the morning and we were tired and, a bit cranky. Though, not nearly as cranky as the forty year old Dutch man we met, a shirtless tattooed fellow with an Indian Jones hat who also wanted nothing more than to go home. So much so that he was just at a bungalow at the beach we were on, chucking ketchup bottles at the house and screaming for them to let him in. We told him to come with us, more than anything to get him the hell away from those people. The problem was, the sole boat was beached, as in, not in the water. That and the boat driver was drunk off his ass. This didn`t sit well with the old Dutch dude, who put it this way:


"I`m from Amsterdam and I`m crazy!...Well, I`m not really from Amsterdam, but I`m still crazy! I`ll kill him. I'll kill him right NOW!"

Then we had to talk him down from killing the boat driver. Then the six of us had to literally push the boat back into the water as the waves beat down on us. Then we had to let the drunken captain navigate his wooden crapcan of a boat over choppy water in pitch black waters. If I had to come up with a word to describe that night, it would have been: "safe."

The rest of the days were filled with motor scooter rides in the bitter cold rain, a night of karaoke where Adam and I did a sloppy rendition of Sir Mix-a-Lot`s "Baby Got Back," and learned the lesson that if girls scream when you walk by and beg you to come drink with them, what they really want is your sweet American coin (and they're probably dudes).

7. Back to the Bangkok Beginning

Here is where I will stop - there are more stories not included in here - and a great excuse to meet us in person. Both of us have been away from the East Coast for more than enough time.

That's right people, I'm home. Come play with me.

Ladies and gentlemen, don't be afraid - I know how to handle me a scoot-scoot.

See you all soon...

Post #25

Goodbye Korea,

That's right, loyal reader, this is the final Foley in Korea Blog. It's been a ride, and all you readers out there, thanks for going on it with me. Trying to sum up the totality of my experiences here in a single blog post would be surely selling this great land short. So, I've decided to do something much more shallow and fun. As this is Blog #25, welcome to Foley in Korea - the Top 25 List.

The following is the best, the worst, and the weird things about my home for the last year:

25. Modeling
It was inevitable.  I am a model. Well, actually more of a movie star. Yeah, I know. Holy crap.

The other day I was called up by my modeling agency saying they had a gig for me. My massive ego could not resist. I accepted, blind to all details about the shoot. The day before, they informed me I would need to wear a suit as I would be posing as businessman. I shrugged. It sounded reasonable. They were paying me. Why should I worry about the details? Smile here, pose there, get my check and bounce. Easy, right?


Not even in the ballpark. I got picked up at Seoul Station by two men who spoke little English but invited me into their van. They explained on the way about how this was a government video, but could not give details beyond that. Then, while driving on the highway, they pulled over to the side of the road and told me to get out. I did so, and a video crew rolled up behind us. There, while cars flew by going 70, I was supposed to look at a highway sign that read "Kimpo," smile and nod like I knew what the hell was going on, and then walk off camera. It only got weirder from there.


After that, they took me to a dock where they made me stare at fishermen taking nets of crabs out of a boat. Then I held up nets of crabs that pinched at my fingers (all the time wearing a business suit). At one point I shake hands with a little girl in a park and give her a paper airplane that they planned to digitally add fireworks to during the editing process. In case you missed that, let me restate it: a paper airplane that shoots fireworks. I know - I didn't think Koreans had LSD either.


Long story short, halfway through production I figured out they were making a movie called "A Foreigner Visits Kimpo" - Kimpo being the name of the city we were in. Evidently in Korea, having movies about a foreigner who visit your city boosts revenue. And yes, to answer your next question, you can all see this movie next month on the Kimpo city website


Which leads me to number 24...

24. Being a Foreigner Here
Because it's great. Not only are Koreans quick to compliment my handsomeness (if you didn't read 25, yes I am a model in this country) but I am constantly invited to free soju drinking sessions with drunken businessmen, giggled at by groups of caffeine infused coffee shop girls, and barraged with hello's from friendly young children. It's like being a celebrity without, you know, having any talent. Though I have been at least trying to speak their language, which isn't always easy. Like in...


23. Church
Koreans get into church. It's fun here. Rock bands and after parties and free drinks - it's definitely my idea of religion. And at the end of every service - sometimes random people get up and talk, sometimes for a 50 year anniversary or to make an announcement. Because the church community was so much a part of my life here, I wanted to get up in front of the church and thank them. Only problem was, I had to do it in Korean.


Public speaking is not my forte (unless I have about half a dozen cocktails in me, and it seems like that would be slightly inappropriate for church) but doing it in Korean proved to be a struggle and a good testament to my talents in the language. I got a few laughs at the beginning and end and then in the middle no one knew what the hell I was talking about. Nervousness is not a common quality in me, but during that speech, my hands were shaking so much I couldn't read my notes (also in Korean). The one thing that kept me going was this one dude with a big head in the audience who kept nodding when I said things that made sense. So, though he'll most likely never read this, thank you, Korean Big Head Man.


22. G.na
My new favorite K-pop sensation.

This is her song "Bananas." It's swell. For the music quality, of course.

21. The Phrase "Good For Your Health."
Koreans use this to describe everything - from plum wine to pig skin. For some reason I don't always believe them.

20. Cow's Brain
A delicacy of the Jeolla Province and so much more delicious than it sounds. It's not like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom where they eat the monkey brains right out of the skull. No, no, my friends, it's cut up and grilled for your enjoyment. It's tender and, according to Koreans, good for your brain. It's always served with cow blood soup (not joking) and cow testicle pizza (okay, that one's a joke).



19. Korean Hospitals
So let's say you electrocute yourself. Happens to the best of us. Luckily, you didn't die. Sounds good right? But now you have to go to an American hospital without an appointment. That means an hour of waiting in one room, another thirty in a smaller room, a conversation with the nurse, waiting, testing, more waiting, and then maybe you see the doctor who tells you you're fine or you need to come back. Either way, two hours of your life you're never getting back.

I broke my foot once in Korea and thought I did a second time. I must have visited the hospital six times this year. My longest stint was maybe half an hour. There's none of the unnecessary questionnaire nonsense, no second waiting room. You show up and get called to see the doctor. And their doctors are solid. Hell, they lead the world in stomach cancer treatment. But the reason why is disturbing, as we will see by analyzing...

18. The Habits of Korean Men
They work hard, and they play hard. You know that time your boss took you and your coworkers out for drinks on a Friday night and got you all way too drunk and your Saturday morning was hell? Imagine that, two or three times a week, exclusively on weeknights. These are what Korean businessmen refer to as "meetings." They start around seven or eight and go until the boss says you can stop drinking. These aren't mandatory, unless you value your job, in which case they are. Turning down an invitation for drinks is a clear sign of weakness in this country.

But between the consumption of soju (rice wine that can take the paint off a car), kimchi (which we all know is spicy as hell), and a chain-smoking cigarret-a-thon, Korean men's stomachs tend to have the consistancy of Swiss Cheese. Hence, their stomach cancer treatment rates are the best in the world. But they're not the only ones in this country that have issues.  

17. The Habits of Korean Women
They smoke too. But it's considered unfit or unladylike to do so, so smoking usually transpires in dark alleys or public bathrooms. Alongside the secret tobacco addiction is the far more prolific addiction to coffee shops, which are so plentiful in Korea, they are often used as landmarks when giving directions. Young Korean women frequent these Starbucks clones, slugging green tea lattes and taking pictures of themselves with their cellphone every five minutes to make sure they still look just as shallow as before.


16. Korean Girls' Legs
I guess I'm pretty shallow myself.


15. Daegu
So I was supposed to take the GRE's a few Saturdays ago in the city of Daegu. This is a city of which I knew nothing. Being responsible, I got into Daegu at ten the Friday night before and started looking for a hotel near the university where the test was. Only problem was, there were three universities by the same name. So, when I called the GRE services for further clarification, I learned that somehow, my registration had not gone through, and I couldn't take the test. Boy was my face red.

But not all was lost. I was faced with a decision. I could

1.) Catch a four hour bus ride back to Gwangju, putting me home at three in the morning.

OR

2.) Party all night long in a city where I knew no one and take the 6:00AM bus back to Gwangju.

Of course we all know what I chose

Daegu was full of surprises. I found some foreigners who took me out to a this bar called Thursdays. Never before had I seen such a happy mesh of foreigners and Koreans, dancing, laughing, drinking. There I met three Korean guys there who boozed it all night with me and then took me out for pork bone soup as the sun began to rise over those Daegu hills. A very cool spot and a place I would consider living for Korea Round 2.

14. Red Beans
They use red bean out here like we use chocolate. Tastes similar but way healthier. Two thumbs up. Plus, good for your health.


13. My Students
I've said this a lot, but I'll tell you, nothing beats a half hour "conversation" class with your eleven-year-old student asking how to earn stars in Mario 64. In English of course. Honestly, I don't know why I get paid to do these things.

12. Konglish
It's Korean-English. Words like "Pa-na-na" (Banana) and "Re-bol-bah" (Revolver) and "A-chill-es Ten-don-i-tis-uh" (I'm sure you can get that one). Either way, it makes learning Korean easier, and it's usually good for a laugh. (Though for some reason, "Canada" is just "Canada.")
 

11. Motel District
In some cities in Korea, especially ones at the crossroads that get a lot of traveling businessmen, the Motel District in inevitable. No matter how you picture it in your mind, I promise you it's one thousand times seedier than than anything your mind can muster. It's two square city blocks with nothing but neon light up hotel signs and "businessmen bars." These "businessmen bars" along with "businessmen karaoke rooms" feature "helpers" that will sing and drink with you. To put it bluntly, finding a girl in this district who's not a hooker would take nothing short of a miracle. After going to said location, I recommend taking a shower. Maybe two.


10. Live Octopus

Oh baby. I've had a lot of strange things in this country (pupa, fermented stingray, fish eyes) but this one takes the cake. It's octopus chopped up into pieces and served raw. You know, like sushi. So it's not cooked. And it's dead. Except that it's not.

The tentacles still move.

I'm not talking a little twitch here and there, I'm saying they will literally crawl off your plate and away from you. I experienced this with my Korean brother and his wife, and while delicious, it's a little unnerving when you're chewing something that crawls out of your mouth and stick to the side of your face. In the past, foolish people have tried eating tentacles whole and have choked to death. The tentacle found a way to choke the eater despite the significant disability of being dead.

I had two videos of myself munching on this - but they were far too large of files for this blog. So here's some random guy doing it. Fast forward to 2:00 in to skip the boring talking.

9. Being Confused For Tom Cruise Everyday
Dig it.


8. Korean Festivals
The other day, I was invited to a Korean Games Festival in which ancient games are celebrated. The foreigner community was invited to take part - and let me tell you, it was worth it. We played a game known as Chajon-nori.We were divided into two teams. Then in the middle of the biggest road in the city, as a metal pot banging band cheered us on, each team lifted a giant wooden beam with wooden hoops on the end - and then charged each other like angry bulls. The winner was the team that smashed the other team better. Why did we do this? Because it's awesome.


After we finished, the Koreans did the same - only on a much larger scale. It looked something like this

7. Convenience
It's Wednesday night. 3:00AM. You can't sleep because you're hungry and a swarm of mosquitoes won't leave you alone. But there's no food in your fridge and you've got nothing to keep away those hell-spawned insects. In America, you're in for a night of misery. But Korea, there are so many restaurants open 24/7, and if not, there's always a Ministop, Family Mart, or 7Eleven right on your street corner. That's right, you don't even have to drive to get your fix of barbecue chips and bug spray. And that's a life saver, truly truly. Speaking of which...



6. Mosquitoes
I don't know if Korean blood is hyper rich in iron or if their buildings are so poorly insulated that a cat could squeeze under a door, but I had at least three mosquitoes every night in my tiny one room apartment until I left at the end of October. It didn't matter how many I killed - there were always more. But because they drew first blood (and because it's impossible to pass out with their evil siren song in your ear) I spent many a sleepless night learning to become a master of slaying those bloodsuckers. Truly, I am a dead eye with a dish towel. But that doesn't compare to my skills at...


5. Kumdo
I have become the American Ninja. Not quite a black belt yet - but my sword fighting skill is strong. I have had epic battles against my own brother, kumdo masters, and even fought in a tournament (where I got my ass kicked by a third degree black belt). But I think nothing compares to fighting a fifteen-year-old rookie my last week of kumdo. While trying a manuever he was not even close to ready for, I ended up taking his bamboo stick to the groin. I distinctly remember the sound it made as a hollow thud. While I was in the fetal position on the floor, crying in agony from the deathblow, I learned something as laughter filled the dojo. Men getting hit in the crotch is funny in all cultures. Except of course, if you're that man.


4. Foreigners
Korea has radically changed my opinion on Canadians and Brits for the better. As fellow teachers, we constantly wage a war against Korean nine-year-olds. This builds comradery, and helps me to overlook past rivalries in Hockey and , you know, war. But truly, the foreign community of Gwangju is a strong one, and most of us are pretty well-behaved. And hell, for the most part, Koreans seem to dig us.

The only real anti-American sentiment comes from the behavior of American military personnel. Note that not all American soldiers cause problems in this fair land, but enough do that many places in Seoul have banned American soldiers because of the destruction they have caused. Seriously, there are a staggering number of fights that start at their hands. It has gotten to the point that, if caught in one of these "banned bars" as an American Soldier, they can be court marshaled. I support our fighting men and women, truly I do, but come on guys - remember who you're representing.  



3. Street Food
A heaping plate of sweet and sour pork for a buck fifty. I don't think life gets any better. Just saying. You think putting it at number 3 is too high? Clearly you've never had it before.   



2. People
The people here almost take the number one spot. Because they're awesome (shown below Korean family).

If I can be serious for a moment, you'll understand why. I entered into a country knowing neither the language nor a single person. In a year, I have made friends who have taken me under their wing and shown me their beautiful country and students who have changed the way I speak, act, and think. There are foreigners who have been a taste of home for me in the good times and a comfort to me in darker times. I have a man here who calls me brother and his family who have taken me in as one of their own. I even managed to fall in love out here with an incredible girl. So given all that - what do people take a back seat too?

1. 정
"정" or for you non-Korean speakers, "Jeong," is a concept introduced to me while eating crab fries and slanging beers with Alex. My understanding of 정 has grown, through experiences dueling my sword fighting brothers, taking moonlit beach walks, fighting back the desire to choke out my students, and saying "gam-bay" (cheers) while I booze it with my friends. 정 is all of these things. It is a concept that appears in Korean medicine but is used more wildly to describe the interactions between people. We have no word for it in English, and while I feel inadequate to describe it justly, I want to try.

정 is a connection, an energy between people, like a life force. Korean people put this energy above love and hate, and good and evil. It is passion, and love, and hatred. It flows in us. And people can have 정 alone, or with one another. Your soul mate, the one you understand the best - you have good 정 with them. But that witch in H.R. that you always get into a shouting match with, or that jackass guy who you almost came to blows with at the bar last night, you have 정 with them too. 정 is so many things. The only thing it really isn't is stagnant. It is not stable, nor is it stationary. It moves, it flows, it lives.

My experience in Korea, the relationships I have and still have, cannot be quantified. While I am lucky enough to say most of Korea has been good to me, there has been tragedy and sadness too. If there was one way to describe my life here, in just a single sentence, it would be this: My life in Korea was saturated with 정. And that makes me happy in a way I don't think I could ever really describe.

My fellow Americans, I will be back home for Thanksgiving - I will be seeing all of you very soon.
But first, dear reader, I must complete my odyssey of Thailand with Mr. Adam Brown. Perhaps you will see one more blog after this - detailing the absurdity of our travels.


I hope you know it humbles me to have readers, so I will close with this.



Thanks for reading - because you, my reader, helped my 정 flow strong.
-Daniel J. Foley

Post #24

Happy Thanksgiving?

Hello everyone and welcome to the long awaited Foley in Korea Blog #24. There's no time to hesitate as we delve into another poignant examination of Korean society, including Korean baseball, socially acceptable physical punishment, and of course, Korean Thanksgiving (among other random factoids).

But...perhaps I am getting a little ahead of myself. I have to bracket all of this with (for those of you who don't know): I am currently unemployed and living in this country under legally ambiguous circumstances. How did this happen? Well, sports fans, it turns out, my bosses are insane. On a warm Monday in early August, I came into work. Now, several times, my bosses had promised to extend my contract to November. So wasn't my face red when they dropped this cataclysmic bomb:

"Daniel, (they love calling me Daniel) you must leave in September. We hired a new teacher. We will fly you back home September 7th. If you don't you will be arrested as an illegal alien."

Now, I pride myself on my ability to not lose my mind when someone sticks a dagger in my back and then twists it. But, seeing as though I had made plans for September and October to take tests, vacations, and you know, live in Korea for another two months, this did not settle well with me. So, I took a deep breath and excused myself for a walk outside. Then I calmly and tactfully returned to raise holy hell on them. I told them I was the best teacher they had and how dare they betray me like this. This was not how human beings behave to one another. My boss looked like she was going to cry. And then things started to look up.

That day my replacement teacher (that usurping bastard) came in. He's a Vietnamese-American from San Francisco area.  As it was his first day, his only job to shadow me, you know, watch a master at work. I was weary all day of this, to make sure I was on top of my teaching game. I didn't want to give them any excuse to fire me. So you'll understand why my stomach started doing jumping jacks when my boss interrupted my class to pull out the replacement teacher. I thought they were gonna screw me good and use something ridiculous the replacement said to justify it. Man, was I mistaken.

After class, my boss took me aside. Her eyes get serious, and she looks embarrassed. "The new teacher," she says, and nothing more. Her eyes keep dodging mine.

"Yeah?" I say.

"What do you think of him?"

"I dunno. I just met him. Seems like an alright guy."

"Daniel," she says, looking over her shoulder to make sure we're alone. "He's a homosexual."

"He's...he's what?"

"We think he's a homosexual. Is he?"

"I uh....what?"

"A homosexual."

"Why do you think that?"

"Well his haircut. And his bag. He is kind of like a girl." (He did have longer hair and did use one of those leather bags. You know the kind - it's not a purse, it's European).

"Well, he's from California. Lots of people out there have hair and bags like that."

My boss contemplated that for a minute and says: "But, he's in love with you."

"He is?"

"Yes, he brought you in coffee this morning."

"No he didn't. He got two coffees for himself."

"Oh," she said, again thinking. "But he brought you pizza!"

"No he didn't. That would have been nice though."

"Oh. But he follows you around everywhere!"

"That's because you told him to watch me teach today."

"Oh."

I can't get over the enormous lawsuit that this conversation would have led to in America. Long story short, they fired him and offered me my job back. When I told them to shove it, they hired him back. But, feeling remorse for all the stress they caused me, offered me a bogus year long contract in order for me to get another year long visa in Korea. What does that mean? It means I can come in go in this country for the for the next year because of this deliciously illegal transaction. Victory? Dan.

So yes, I'm unemployed. But don't you go feeling bad for me. As my father, the Great Jim Foley once told me of his days after being laid off from Wang Computers. "Being unemployed is awesome." Truer words were never spoken. Since the idea of shopping detests me and I learned how to cook tofu this past year, I've saved a fair amount of money, so I'm not worried about falling into debt. My days are spent applying for PhD programs in the States, drinking beer with friends, and sleeping whenever the hell I want. The only thing I miss is the kids (and I really, really do), a few of who are staying in touch with me. One eleven-year-old boy named Austin (the drummer in the band) drew me this the other day and emailed it to me.

But enough about me, let's get into some Korean culture. A lot of these stories involve my Korean brother Alex, so this blog's is dedicated to him. He's been my ace in the hole since getting canned, even hooking me up with tutoring his crazy doctor friend (cha-CHING!). Alright, let's talk some baseball.

While the rules are the same, pro baseball in Korea is truly different than pro baseball in America (at least different than Boston, I can't speak on behalf of all the ballparks in America or...Canada). The only really bad difference is the talent. You're not seeing Manny and Poppy out here (remember, this is the nation who gave us Byung Hyun Kim, Boston's sucky submariner). In all honesty, the skill isn't that bad, though I do think an American college team could give them a run for their money. But you probably could have guessed that.

While the skills are slightly lacking in Korean ball clubs, I think America could take a lesson in sheer fun from Korean pro ball. Visiting the ballpark of Gwangju's team, the Kia Tigers (yes, like the car), I came out with a laundry list of problems with American ballparks. For starters, baseball in America doesn't have cheerleaders. Korea asks the existential question: "Why?"

They're swell.

But aside from smoking hotties pumping up the crowd, Korea improves on the formula of hot dogs and beer but substituting fresh-made delectable fried chicken and...well, still beer. But, unlike Fenway park where a Budweiser costs you six bucks and a fraction of your soul, out here, it's BYOB. Sure, they've got vendors outside who jack up the price a little (two bucks for a beer, if that's jacking it up) but when you have friends like Alex, who show up with a backpack cooler teeming to the brim with mek-ju (Korean beer), there are no worries. I spent maybe thirty bucks that day, for my ticket, a bucket of fried chicken for me and my friends, a six pack of beer, and some squid jerky. That's how baseball should be.

What else is better? Everyone's into the game. Like, everyone. I mean, Kia was walloping SK like 8 to 1 by like the third inning and everyone was still cheering and smashing their inflatable clappers together. None of this talking on cell phones nonsense or falling asleep or leaving in the seventh inning. People are there to watch some serious baseball.

I think a lot of this comes from how uncorporate Korean baseball is. It's cheap and the players are real Gwangju people. Sure the game is a little rough around the edges but it's pure and fun and sometimes you even see some of the ballplayers downtown drinking. You're not fueling some pretentious A-Rod character to make twenty grand for an at-bat where he strikes out. You're paying to be entertained and cheer on your team. You gotta dig it.

To shift gears completely, let's talk beating children. Yeah, that still totally flies out here. Although on a legal level it's been phased out of schools after some kid was brutalized in class, it still exists off the radar. "Discipline" teachers employ bizarre forms of punishment, from the Catholic Nun ideology of smashing student's knuckles with a piece of wood, to the sinister 'Hold both of your arms in the air above your head and keep them there for the next hour (or until I tell you that you can stop)."

It happens at home, too. Now, I'm not quite sure how I stand on the idea of beating in general. I don't think I would ever beat my kids, but I can understand the train of thought that, in extreme cases, a backhand could be deemed necessary to set some brat straight. However, with the sheer amount of competition and pressure that exists in this country, that's not always the case. I have heard horror stories out here of parents giving the following threat:

"On this test, for every point less than100% you earn, I will beat you ten times. But if you get a perfect score, I will buy you a present."

Thanks Mom and Dad. Now granted, there are a lot of parents who don't hit, or just spank a little bit, but it is a disturbing trend in many senses. Part of me hopes this next generation will phase it out. At the same time, Korea is also the safest country in the world. Is it because everyone has a fear of God from getting the crap beaten out of them as a kid? Who knows? For this author, the jury is still out.

On a less violent note, my Korean skills are officially intermediate (at least based of the class I now take). What does that mean? Well the other day, I met my Korean tutor for the first time (who oddly, doesn't speak any English) and spoke with her in Korean for two hours. Now, before you think I'm some sort of language prodigy, cell phone dictionaries and drawings were implemented regularly to buffer the conversation, but still, I think I have some validation to toot my own horn.

This has led me to be able to understand certain situational things around my Korean friends and in Kumdo, tidbits of conversations, and of course, impress pretty girls by being able to speak their language. It also kept me from being too out of the loop during Korean Thanksgiving, known as 추석 (Chuseok). I recently celebrated this holiday Alex's (read: "my") family.

This November I will be home for Thanksgiving, but it will be the first one in three years. I mean, I've had plenty of occasions to stuff my face, but none where it was actually encouraged. Thus brings us to Chuseok. It was a great honor to be invited to this occasion as I don't know any foreigners (barring those with Korean spouses) who have experienced this holiday. And this is the big one. Way bigger than our Thanksgiving. This is their Christmas (or if you don't believe in Santa, insert your biggest holiday), though perhaps bigger than that. The term marathon-holiday gets thrown around all too often these days, but Chuseok really brings it home. I don't know the last time I took part in a three day holiday. That's right, three days with the Kim family. And they don't believe in sobriety.


For this occasion, I wore a 한복 (hanbok) which is the Korean Traditional Dress for both men and women. Although I do not have any actual pictures as of yet (they're coming), I've provided this simulation in order to give you an idea.

That's right, I looked fine.

But this mega-holiday had some interesting features that were similar, although not exactly, like our Thanksgiving. For instance, whereas we give thanks before we eat, they have an elaborate ceremony for their relatives that have gone before them. It was reminiscent of what I had learned about Mexico's el Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead). We served our ancestors (both theirs and mine) a meticulously organized feast. No red food could be present. All fish had to face west. There could not be four of any dish, only three or five, as four is the number associated with death. We prayed in both the Korean traditional way and the Catholic way, as the Kim family is both, and poured a healthy amount of mokali (Korean rice wine) for our ancestors to drink. Later we also prayed in the cemetery.


The cuisine was a mismatch of savory delights (slow cooked top grade beef ribs with potatoes) to "holy-crap-what-is-that?" type food. Eating fish eyes was no where near as bad as I thought it would be (actually kind of squishy and fun) but the truly wild fare was something I'd been looking forward to for a long time. It's called 홍어(hung-oh) and I remember having a conversation with my Uncle Bishy about it. He had seen it on one of those bizarre food shows, and from that moment on, I knew I had to experience it. It was once the food of kings, and to this day, it's still super expensive. The highest quality go for a thousand bucks a pop. But most people really, really don't like it.

Oh, I forgot to tell you what it is. Hung-oh is fermented stingray.

But honestly, kind just looks like sushi right? Nope. They make this the same way they make kimchi. They take a stingray, throw it in a pot, close it off from the world, and then, when it's nice and rotted, they eat it. I can your stomach growling. Now, at the table, I sat around with Alex, his wife, Helena, his father, mother, brother Steve, and his brother's wife. His father took down the stingray like a champion, and offered a piece to me. Alex told me I did not have to (he can't stand it), but my curiousness and inability to turn down food prohibited me from saying "no."

The way in which one eats this composted fish is by stacking it with a slice of pork and sliding a nice piece of kimchi in the middle. They call it the holy trinity of food. I like kimchi sandwich better. When I first bit into this, it was great. A little crunchy, a little salty, but complex and interesting to say the least. Then I understood the natural aversion to this delicacy. It came quickly, suddenly, like a thief in the night. It overtook my sense. Some claim it's the pungent and overwhelming smell of ammonia, but that's selling the experience a little short. It's more like rubbing ammonia in your inner nostrils til they start to burn. It consumes your nasal passages in a way I can only liken to wasabi, but with that sweet ammonia odor all the way through. As I swallowed it, they all waited and watched my reaction. What would I do? Start crying? Sprint to the bathroom? Throw up a little in my mouth? None of the above.

I picked up another piece. Because I dig the stingray.

This was the start of Alex's father's respect for me. And he is a truly great man. He was the superintendent of schools in Suncheon (the area where we were) and also a published poet. His subject? The disputed island of Dokdo - currently occupied by Japan but was originally Korea territory. A sore spot for Koreans everywhere. Though we often needed Alex to translate for us, much of our conversations came from the sharing of food and drink, which is often times the best kind of conversation.


And speaking of drinking, it just didn't stop. Ever. When we got there, the men (Alex, his Dad, Steve, and me) sat down and began gulping down rice wine at a rate that brought back college memories. Meanwhile, the women worked in the kitchen (a phenomenon I refuse to comment on). And then we drank more. Occasionally, we mixed in beer and spirits. And then we drank more until the point I was sufficiently trashed. Not uncomfortably so, but to the point where I knew more drinking would be troublesome. This was seven o'clock, and it was dinner time. I thanked God.

To Alex I said: "Man, we did some good drinking today."

To which he responded: "The drinking is just beginning."

He wasn't kidding. The beer and rice wine didn't stop. We drank all through the evening and into the night. And then, when I thought I could takes no mores, he pulled out a liter of Jim Beam.

"We're drinking that?" I asked.

To which Alex responded. "It is only a liter."

I have fond memories of those nights. We stayed up late discussing world events and slugging bourbon. His parents insisted I called them 아빠 "a-pa" and 엄마 "eom-ma" (Dad and Mom), to which they responded, in English "my son." Alex, Steve, and I stayed up late laughing in the living room til four in the morning when Mom came in to yell at us. We felt like real brothers. The next night we went out to pray to the moon after crushing half a dozen beers, only to find some high school punks playing basketball on our court. We challenged them to a game and took back our turf with a victory. Not bad for a team whose average age was 31.

All and all, it was one of the best times I had in Korea. It truly felt like a family, and, when so far away from my blood family, it gave me something I truly needed. For those three days, I was a Kim.

Also - in a very surreal experience that happened to me this evening - I was at my Korean artist friend (Donkyu's) studio, and he said "I want to show you this documentary." He turned on his computer. We started watching "Young at Heart" about a group of eldery singers in North Hampton, Mass (with Korean subtitles). That's one silly kind of coincidence and makes this world feel very small.
Life is so interesting now, as time winds down. I have but one month left in this great land. Then it is off to Thailand for some truly wacky adventures for another month, and then, finally, I'm coming home. I miss and love you all.


AND, before you - check this out. I was on the Korean News.


http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=269182526437514


And yes, I was hungover as all hell that morning. Keep rockin people. I'll see you all soon.


-News Man

Post #23

Hello...China?

Yes everyone, we all love Korea, but this blog posting will be about my swashbuckling Chinese adventures, featuring Nick Callos and his lovely girlfriend Ting Ting. But I'm getting a little ahead of myself.

The insanity begins in Korea, where I found myself sleeping alongside homeless men in bus station in Seoul at 2:30 in the morning. I was waiting for the 5:30AM shuttle. I'm not quite sure why they were there, but they were quite friendly. Some largely toothless man asked me for money in the bathroom. I threw him a couple bucks and then struck up a conversation with him in Korean about where I was from. Whether he had the a thick accent or his tongue was swollen with soju, we will never know, but the conversation was a struggle for sure. From what I gathered, he wanted to eat dog with me in Boston. I agreed to it and prayed to God he wouldn't take me up on it.

Upon arriving at the airport, I learned that Expedia thought it would be funny to switch my flight numbers and times on me without the slightest notification (those bastards). Twice I found myself rushing around airports, trying desperately to catch my flight. Once in Seoul, once in Shanghai. I did have just enough time to use the bathroom in Shanghai, though. This is where I will begin my discourse of China.

Toilets fascinate me. They just do. Especially given the sharp divide between the quasi-futuristic super-intelligent toilets of Korea and the "kill-me-now" squatters of China. That's right, they look like this:

 

Only much dirtier.

The rules are a bit different for bathroom etiquette than in the western world. For instance, having toilet paper near squatters is more of a suggestion than a requirement for the Chinese bathroom. And trust me, after consuming a glut of hyper-spicy Chengdu's specialty Sichuan food, you don't want to be caught pants-down without TP. I'm sure you can decipher why.

Another great little element of the Chinese making-water room is that they have little pandas with Chinese idioms poorly translated into English above each urinal. In English it says "Please aim carefully" but according to Nick (whose Chinese makes me ashamed at my Korean skills) the true translation is something along the lines of "One step closer leads to happier bathrooms."

Such idioms are everywhere and make-up the legendary Chinese Propaganda. Yet in English, something is always lost in the translation. For instance, we saw this while hiking a mountain:

Awesome.

This mountain was truly an excursion and the focal point of the trip (it's nice to do things other than get wasted and eat spicy food, though we did a lot of that too). Three hours outside of the bustling, eleven million denizen, metropolis of Chengdu, stood the magnificent and serene Emei Mountain. Truly a spectacle. Our mission? Spend the night in the town beneath the mountain sipping on Tsing-tso beer and wake up at four AM to scale that beast.

The mellow night we had in mind proved to have a few surprises. I need to preface this by saying Chinese people aren't ghouls, trolls, or any sort of mythological creatures, but I'm about to make them out to be. Throats, feet, hearts, lungs, and eyeballs comprise the typical spectrum of Chinese cuisine. When you eat an animal, boy, you eat the whole damn thing. Ting Ting was a big fan of pointing out which part of the animal I was eating in an attempt to make me comfortably disturbed. One thing I couldn't bring myself to eat was the head of a duck. She laughed and used it like a puppet before eating its skin. That girl is all kinds of cool.

I respect the Chinese for this honesty with animals. They serve you rabbit? You better believe it's coming, head and all. In America, everyone loves Porky Pig, but we try to distance ourselves from the fact that we eat his back meat for breakfast. But that's the truth. In this respect, I made it my mission to embrace my honesty with food. After all, if I'm okay eating an animal, I need to be okay with killing it. And, as means of a test, that night, on the mountain, we got a chicken. No, we didn't order KFC. We found a cage, I pointed to it, the guy took out the chicken, and we followed him to the kitchen. We watched the last moments of Mr. Chicken as the chef slit its throat and drain its blood. Below are the pictures, from purchase to slaughter to dinner.

WARNING - SOME MIGHT FIND THESE SOMEWHAT DISTURBING. IT MAY BE IN YOUR BEST INTEREST TO SCROLL DOWN AND NOT VIEW THE NEXT FOUR PICTURES.

It was an excellent meal. I made sure to eat every bite of it, because, well, otherwise, it just seemed wrong. I realized that I don't have a problem killing animals for food, but I have a huge problem with needlessly killing animals, torturing them, or wasting the food you got from them. The way I see it, if you're a hungry cannibal and you kill me and eat me, you better damn well eat every last bit of me.

But aside from that, I didn't consume anything too wacky. The chance just never came up for rabbit head, frogs legs, or cow penis soup (super expensive and supposedly really good for virility, although Asians think almost everything is good for virility).

That night, we killed a couple of beers and went to bed early (12:30 AM). Nick and I had to be perky for hiking early the next day (Ting Ting was too sleepy). So, in an effort to stay hydrated AND copying my genius father, I used my 20oz Tsing-Tso Beer Bottle as a water bottle in my hotel room. Tap water in China is lethal for your digestive system, so I had to be prudent about filling it up at purified water stations. It worked great at first, quenching my thirtst, until that night. Fumbling for the light switch in the bathroom, I knocked over the beer bottle, shattering it on the floor. Instantly, my foot felt strange. I proceeded to turn on the lights. Watching blood spurting (yes, spurting) from your foot in a Chinese bathroom at 2:00 AM is definitely one for the record books. I hobbled around, trying to wash out the wound. Finally, I got the frustrated hotel owner to give me a couple band-aids for my wound. The Chinese are great people, but not known for their sympathy..

Emei Mountain is famous as it contains a massive Buddhist Temple at its zenith. On one hand, the climb is easy because it's all stairs. On the other hand, there's no way can 5,000 steps ever be considered easy. To get up past the monkey0filled (no joke) lower mountain, we paid a guy to drive us up.If you'd think that leaving at 4:21 in the morning is early enough to make a two hour climb by sunrise, you'd be wrong. This mountain was so crowded, we didn't even start to climb the mountain til well after sunrise.

The climb itself was gorgeous. Turns out, Nick and I were too, because we got more stares, "hello's," and people requesting photo opts with us than I'd ever experienced in Korea. We had a good sweat going by the top, but man, it was worth it...except that we could have paid two Sherpas to carry us up, like this lovely woman did.

Atop the Golden Sumit is the Giant Buddah. It stands at over 150 feet (48 meters) tall and inside, there's a Buddhist Temple. And all around the Golden Summit, you can look over the jaw dropping mountainous terrain, shrouded in clouds, that truly, pictrues cannot do justice (but I took some anyways).

Then after witnessing heaven, I proceeded to hell. The bus ride down the mountain. In a previous blog post, I mentioned how Koreans are terrible drivers. Since then, I have been enlightened. Chinese people obey traffic laws like the Koreans obey copyright laws. If that was too obscure, Chinese drivers are freakishly bad. Allow me to supplement this blatant racism with some concrete evidence.

On the way home from the airport, I thought it was bad when we were weaving between bicycles and people crossing the street without using signals and cutting off fellow automobiles just for the hell of it. But the bus ride down the mountain would make James Bond lose his bowel control. Our bus driver was gunning it downhill a two lane road (one lane going up the mountain, one going down) with no breakdown lane. About every twenty seconds, there was a hairpin turn that he whipped around like it was Chengdu Drift: Bus Edition. Now, normally, that would be bad. But what added to the choking absurdity of this ride was that motorists constantly passed each other. On the straightaways? Heeeellllllllllllllllllllllll no! On the blind hairpin turns. How could they possibly do this safely? By beeping their horn at every turn as a warning.

Now you might be saying to yourself, "Dan, if they beep, it's totally safe. The other cars will know to slow down" Why are you always wrong? Think about this situation: When people going up are passing and people going down are passing. They both decide to beep for safety. Can the cars hear each other? Of course not. They're too busy beeping. And some people just don't give a shit. I need to make clear to you how much I am not exaggerating this. There was at least one time I was certain we were going to smash a blue sedan off the side of the mountain. The mortality rate on that mountain...well you get the idea..

The important thing is: we survived. Thank. God.

Now here's some fun facts about China.

• In a restaurant, when you have trash (dirty napkins, food bones) it's customary to just throw them on the floor. It's so awesome and lazy at the same time it's worth the trip just to do it. 

•  Poor parents sometimes make their children go out and sell flowers in the middle of the night (i.e. beg). A definitively disturbing practice that puts you in the ambiguous ethical situation of whether or not you should give money to them. On one hand, their parents might beat them if they don't bring home money. On the other hand, giving money sustains this practice. It's tough to know what to do.

• Sichuan area (where Chengdu is) is furiously serious about their spice. Things like hotpot, shown below, are what you get when you combine a buffet of uncooked things, a pot of super hot flavored oil, and of course, Sichuan Peppers (aka Chinese Numbing Peppers). For those of you who don't know, this is the stuff they would use before Novocaine was kicking around. A couple years back, Nick brought a bag of Sichuan Peppers to our place on Foster Street. Of course we all popped in about five or six after consuming a fair amount of booze. A truly interesting experience - when you eat them, you can't feel anything in your mouth (except an unholy empty tingling) and you drool like a madman. Sounds crazy, but in food, man, are they tasty.

 

• The Chinese money (RMB) is on the up and up, so prices are rising all around China. Nick was complaining about how the price of a 20oz beer rose from 2.5 quai to a bank-breaking 3.5 quai. For reference, 6.1 quai is about a dollar, so he was bitching about a 20oz beer costing about 58 cents. Upon hearing this, I beat him with a bamboo stick.

For me, one of the most interesting parts of China was how much it defies the stereotypes. Like, for example, how uncommunist it was. If anything, people there are very concerned with money. And the divide between rich and poor is staggering. Beautiful high rise apartments for Lamborghini-totting families are right across from the guy who works 60 hours a week as a waiter for pennies.

Speaking of defying stereotypes, Ting Ting's parents took us out for dinner one night. Amazing people, Buddhists, very welcoming. And oh man could her dad drink. But what was the dinner time conversation about?

Politics.

Wait a minute...something's not right. I thought people were cut up into little pieces and put in the hot dogs for talking politics in China. Is this a set-up?

It's more complicated than that. The Chinese aren't stupid. They understand that there's a lot of propaganda and that their government lies to them. They likewise make the point that America isn't all that different in those respects. But the way it works in China is, as long as they're not talking about tearing down the government and replacing it with democracy, they're more or less free to talk about what they want, as long as it's the right crowd. China isn't the Big Brother Thought Police from 1984. Hell, they don't even block Wikipedia, even though they probably could.

Nick once told me about a conversation he had about freedom of speech with a smart Chinese friend of his.

Nick asked the man: "Don't you want to be free?"

The guy responded: "Free? How am I not free? I live where I want, work where I want, eat what I want, and marry who I want. You want me to complain?"

Interesting viewpoint. Not sure I see completely eye-to-eye with it, but it does make you think.

Speaking of the Chinese government, they have one of the only economies that is actually doing well. And they are sustaining it. Sure they do some illegal things like price adjusting, but at the end of the day, even with 1.4 billion people, they have less malnutrition then America. Seriously, you don't see homeless people. People don't complain about working all the time and everyone eats. It's not some wacky third world country. Though the driving still blows

So that's what I got out of China this time. Sorry, no one tried to drug me this time, and no bar fights. But I think it was even better this time. It's truly an awesome place, though I think Korea was definitely the right choice for me. Why? I'm not quite sure. But it's all good. The more I travel, the more I see how awesome this world is. And everywhere I go, I meet really cool people, and furthermore, see really good families. Ting Ting's family is the same kind of good family as I see in Korea, or as I see in America, or anywhere. Good families like to eat good food, have good conversation, be good to one another, and every so often (or all the time) drink some good drink.

A special thanks to my awesome hosts, and to Chinese people for making some kick-ass food. Next time, more on Korea, but until then, my friends, I miss and love you all.

-Chinese Democracy

P.S. If a certain Cincinnati expat living in Chengdu tells you it's safe to wash fruit in unpurified Chinese water, (you know, that it won't turn your intestines into an amusement park for the next week) do me a favor. Punch him in the throat.