Hello Fearful Friends!
So, a lot of people have been messaging me these days,
talking about how our gnarly neighbors to the North are gearing up to reign
some sort of nuclear apocalypse down on our side of the DMZ and that I should probably get the hell out of South Korea
before I’m vaporized.
Heavy stuff.
And while we all know there’s nothing I love more than attention,
let me assure you, oh concerned friends and family, there is nothing to worry
about. Now, I’m not a soothsayer (although I do like dressing up like one), it’s
just I’ve got a good feeling about this one. How could I possibly be so
confident in these tumultuous times? I’m glad you asked.
This is Kim Jong-un, the “Supreme Leader” of North Korea.
Handsome dude, right? He got his looks from Dad, a guy you
might remember. He answered to Kim Jong-il.
If you don’t remember him, the late Kim Jong-il is famous
for having overly eccentric and expensive tastes in alcohol, owning a video
taped recording of every Michael Jordan game ever played, letting his people
starve to death while he ate extravagant meals, and quitting golf because he
got a hole in one on every single hole in
the same game. Oh, and he’s part god, which helps explain the last part.
But now we’ve got Kim Jong-un, and he’s a bit of a wild
card, right? I’m not so sure. I think, like his father and his grandfather
before him, he’s going to carry on that family legacy of being that weird,
short, pudgy kid you didn’t like in your homeroom class. You know the guy I’m
talking about. When he wasn’t falling and “accidentally” touching that girl’s
boobs on the way down, he was sitting alone in the back of the class muttering to
himself under his breath. You knew he never had the balls to get into a fight,
but that didn’t stop him from shoulder-checking you in the hallways. The nerve.
Especially after you were nice and lent him that pencil in geometry that he
never gave it back (not that you wanted it after he was done with it). No, you
didn’t like this dude one bit. No one did. But no one messed with him either,
because honestly, it wasn’t worth it. Sure, you could kick his ass. Your little
sister could probably kick his ass. But you couldn’t do it, because partially
you felt bad for him and partially because you knew he was going to fight dirty. Filthy, even. You’d win, but it
was best to just leave him alone in the back of the class, muttering to himself
about stabbing you with that pencil you lent him. Creepy ass dude.
You see where I’m going with this? Or did you read the first
couple sentences and be like, “Foley. We get it. You’re making an analogy” and
skip down to this part? Either way, my point stands. North Korea isn’t going to
do anything. How am I so sure? Two reasons: history and logic.
History: North Korea and South Korea haven’t not been at war ever. Seriously. Even
after the Korean Armistice Agreement in 1953, they never declared peace, only
the lines that divide the South and the North. They’ve technically been at war
for the last sixty years.
In this technical war-time period, there has been only one consistency.
Kim Jong-un, his father Kim Jong-il, and his father Kim Il-sung, have all made
the exact same statement over and over and over again.
“We are going to make Seoul burn to the ground.”
They have yet to set a date for this burning.
Now, I could bore you with all the political back-and-forth from
the time of the Armistice Agreement OR I could tell you the shit that’s gone
down in the last three or so years. I’m going to go with the latter, as
otherwise, I’m afraid you’ll stop reading. Plus, chances are, if you’re reading
this, you were either alive for these ones…or a really, really smart baby.
March 26th, 2010: North Korea allegedly fires a
torpedo, sinking the Cheonan, a South Korean navy corvette. Forty-six men die.
This goes down right around the time I was thinking about moving to Korea to
teach English.
November 10th, 2010: North Korea fires 170 artillery
shells on Yeonpyeong Island, killing four South Koreans (two soldiers and two
citizens) and injuring nineteen others. South Korea returns fire dealing
unknown damage. I have been in Korea just over two months at this juncture in
time.
April 15th, 2012: North Korea tests a long range missile.
People seem nervous until it totally breaks apart and crashes into the sea.
Score!
February 12th, 2013: North Korea conducts an underground
nuclear test, the third in the last decade. We could detect the tremors in
Seoul.
You see where I’m going with this? I’m not a political analyst,
but I think this is where you have turn to logic. Everyone’s on edge right now.
Why? Has anything even nearly as bad
as some of the aforementioned happened? No. We’re trying to slap some sanctions
on North Korea and they’re having a hissy fit. Basically, all that’s happening
is that they’re flexing right now, and we’re flexing back, because half of
politics is flexing, and that’s why it infuriates me so.
So if it’s not a big deal, why is everyone freaking out? I
am going to place the blame solely on our friends, Big News Media. News media
is a bigger attention whore than me, which is saying quite a lot. There have
been no mass shootings in America lately (thank God), so people forgot all
about the gun control hot button and are now shifting their concern to the
North Korea hot button. After all, nothing gets ratings more than either making
people scared or angry, and if you really want those big numbers, both. If you don't believe me, take a look at this.
Yes, there are whispers about North Korea pulling some shady
missile stuff this Wednesday. If I had to guess, I’d say, yeah, Kim Jong-un
might do something. But, while we’re playing
the guessing game, I’m also going to guess he’s hesitant to do anything significant. That’s not to play down
these small tragedies of Cheonan and Yeonpyeong, as they are tragedies, but
they are not acts of war. And so far, nothing Kim Jong-un and his silly regime
have done are either. Not yet. And the smart money says, he won’t make a real
move for a long, long time, if ever. The reason being, if he does, he will lose
the support of China, the only real ally North Korea has, and will be subsequently
decimated by the United States and South Korea for his shenanigans.
But hell, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe they’re planning something
big and Wednesday morning, Seoul will be blasted to smithereens and go up in a
cloud of dust. Hey, I’ve lived a fulfilling in awesome life. My only regret will be all the lovely ladies of the world that will never get to meet Lorenzo
Van Foleyhorn.
But I don’t think that’ll be the case. I think everything’s
gonna be juuuuusssssstttt fine.
Much love everybody,
Confident Guy
