Happy Unbelievably Freezing Weather,
And welcome to another Foley in Korea. It’s winter time,
boys and girls, but for all you lovers out there, Valentine’s Day is just
around the corner. Soon, everyone will be rushing around to get that amazing
present for that special someone. Well, party people, look no further. I’ve got
you the ultimate present, for a man or a woman, straight out of Korea,
high-quality, built to last, and best of all, everyone can use it.
Here’s one more angle.
Now if it’s not totally
obvious what this sleek, silver invention is, you’ve clearly never seen a
ReFa wrinkle-reducer. My co-worker ordered this the other day and swears by
it. She uses it every day. How does it work, you ask? Well, you simply grab the
silver handle and slowly rub the balls all over your face…
Seriously, I can’t even write this. It totally looks like
Silver Surfer’s penis and no one in Korea seems to make that connection. The Americans
in my office were the only ones who fathomed a sliver of perversion from this. The
moment she took it out of the box, we lost it laughing no one knew what the
hell was going on.
How’s that for a cultural difference?
But that’s Korea for you. Even
after so long in this country, cultural norms still surprise the hell out of
me. Like Christmas, for instance. In Korea, Christmas is actually a couple’s
holiday, something along the lines of Valentine’s Days in the States. Now, while
it’s not any more devoid of the birth of Jesus than American Christmas, our preconceived
notions of what our version of Christmas will make what I’m about to tell you
sound very strange. But, as it turns out, Christmas Eve is literally the best
day of the year to pick up chicks.
No joke. Think about it. In Korea, it’s got the same basis
of Valentine’s Day, a day for couples, but it’s a higher profile holiday. Not
to mention, it’s right at the end of the year, and for all the the hyper-desperate
women who need to start the New Year
with someone special, this is their last real chance to hunt. Combined with the
long, cold nights, it creates the perfect storm for irrational romantic
decisions. I have friends who tell stories of going to the clubs and literally having
to pry girls off of them. Hyperbole, maybe, but it does make a man think.
Speaking of cold nights, Seoul got pounded with snow not too
long ago. While it turned the industrial megacity into a winter wonderland, it made
me aware of the unhealthy Korean obsession with umbrellas. Koreans use
umbrellas in every type of weather. They use it in the rain to protect against
water, in the sun to protect against tanning and wrinkles, and in the snow to…what?
Protect against the snow? Seriously, what the hell is that? Forgive this writer
for his ignorant culture viewpoints, but there is something about snow
umbrellas that is unholy and wrong. There, I said it. I’m not taking it back.
On the other side of the coin, I found myself pleasantly
disgusted with the Korean foreigner population just recently as well. You see,
on the whole, Korean people are quite fit. While obesity is on the rise do to
the influx of American fast food, the percentage of overweight people in this
nation is but a fraction what it is in the States. This translates to clothes
being built with a thin, lanky body-type in mind. As you can imagine, I have no
problem with this condition, but if I did end up putting on a few pounds and
finding myself on the girthier end of the spectrum, I would have no idea where
to go clothes shopping. Sizes in Korea run small, and the biggest thing I’ve
found for T-shirts is an XL, which is the equivalent of a large in the States.
That is…until I went Christmas Shopping. I came across the one and only Harley
Davidson Dealership in Korea. This is the only place in Korea I’ve ever found
that features the rare XXL and unheard of XXXL sizes. Now, one can only draw
two conclusions from this. Either the Harley Store is catered to foreigners, or
Harley Davidson’s somehow just seem to attract morbidly obese people in
general. Either way, I find it quite funny.
And while we’re speaking of things that are funny because
they’re massive, I recently went to a Noryangjin, the largest Korean fish
market. For any of you looking to come to Korea, you have to come here. Even if you don’t like seafood, the experience
alone is completely worth it. It is, in essence, a fish market—as in people
selling fish. While that probably doesn’t exactly grab your interest cord and
shake it for all that its worth, when you start to see what qualifies as
“fish,” it becomes a lot more fun. Sea cucumbers, live octopus, and sea slugs
are just some of the tasty treats you can purchase at this candy shop of
underwater eatables, but the truly impressive thing is how stupidly big
everything is here. King grabs that are the size of a three-year-old boy. You
can see mussels as big as my head and shrimp the length of a billy club. Some
of the tentacles are well over five feet in length. People, welcome to flavor
country.
The best part is that there are restaurants connected right
to the market, which means food never tasted so fresh…although the killing
method isn’t exactly warm and fuzzy. The sellers have these tools, something
like a half club, half pick axe. The former they use first to stun the fish and
the latter is for the deathblow through the eye. You’d think, after years of
working there, they’d be better about their second hit placement, but sometimes
it takes a little while, and it’s a bit gruesome as the fish flops around on
the floor while the old dude with the axe tries to puncture its brain. Again, though,
the taste is out of this world.
The last few months have been exciting in Korean news, as
well. North Korea test launched a missile that made it further than Japan. The
resulting implications of this are that they have the capability of sending a
nuke a considerable distance with considerable accuracy. From what I heard when
I was back in the States, the American news was very vocal about this…but
that’s because American news loves sensationalizing stories. This was, for all
intents and purposes, a pissing contest, and North Korea was simply trying to
show that they could pee much farther than we thought they could pee. So no
worries, my friends and family.
Likewise, Korea recently elected its first female president.
Now, I’m all for women kickin ass and taking names in the political world, but
Park Geun-hye, the newly elected leader, is a bit errrrrr…sketchy. To
understand, let’s look back at the 1970’s and 80’s in Korea.
Following the years after the Korean War, Korean politics
got pretty dark. The “democratic” government was really just wave after wave of
military dictators, and they hated freedom with every fiber of their being.
Gwangju, my former home, was the biggest opponent to this movement, protesting
and fighting for freedom. Many died during the May 18th, 1980
uprising in Gwangju, though this existed as a catalyst for change and
ultimately led to free elections in Korea.
Fast forwarding a bit, Park Geun-hye is the daughter of one of those dictators.
While I am not saying that this means she will be the violent dictator her
father was, Koreans are awful quick to forget. At least, most of Korea. Gwangju
and the Jeollado Province (the liberal part of Korea) are all horseshit over
the results. Also, Park Geun-hye’s got a bit of George W. Bush syndrome, she
got the job because of her daddy and doesn’t her qualification don’t really
stack up. Perhaps strangest of all, in a country that is largely sexist, Park
hasn’t really made any significant push for women’s rights. But hey, that’s probably
why she got elected.
If it helps, men in Korea are getting far more in touch with
their feminine side. BB Cream, a cosmetic I had been ignorant of prior to my arrival
in Seoul, is totally man-friendly these days. For those of you who don’t know
what that is, it’s cover-up, but now, it’s cool for men to do it. Kinda. On YouTube
today, while in between video compilations of people falling down escalators, I
saw an advertisement by Korea’s favorite celebrity, Psy, advertising BB Cream. Judge
where you made judge, but in the end, it’s a total power move. Psy and BB Cream
are now Korea’s two top exports, and this year, Korea is set to shatter its
record breaking $4.3 billion dollar export record in 2011. This doesn’t really
affect me on a day-to-day basis, except when I’m at the gym. Dudes wear BB
cream there. It’s like, come on, bro, it’s the gym.
But, I shouldn’t judge things of such little significance.
Shallow judgments lead to segregation, and segregation is bad. Korea, like
everywhere else in this world, already has enough segregation. Racism, sexism,
occupationalism, etc. are all rampant in
this nation, but Korea takes it all a step further as they segregate in…different
ways. Three in particular come to mind:
1.)
American Military—There’s not a whole lot of
love for American soldiers in Korea. While the vast majority of the soldiers
here are just normal guys (and some girls) who just want to kick it on the
weekends and stay out of trouble, the others ruin it for the lot. The term douchebag
gets tossed around a lot these days, but these soldiers really epitomize what
it means to douche it up hard. That’s not to say the Americans working in
schools and businesses don’t start a fight now and then, but chances are, they’re
not a massive, Kansas farm boy who has been trained to kill by the U.S.
government. Seriously, some of these guys look like they eat rocks for breakfast,
and when they get out of control, it’s akin to the Incredible Hulk. It’s no
surprise that bars and clubs all over Seoul have signs that read “Military Personnel
Not Admitted.”
2.)
Koreans—This one’s just weird. There are seven casinos in Korea. Koreans can go to one of them. I’m gonna let that one swim
around in your head for a minute. Of the seven casinos in Korea, Koreans can go to
only one. There are numerous theories as to why this is the case, all of which
border on racism. This author endorses none of these theories, but will present
them to you because he finds the reasoning awesome.
·
Korean casinos were open in the past and it
caused what was deemed as “social problems.” No further explanation was given.
·
Korean casinos are corrupt and want to steal
money from Americans, Chinese, Japanese, because they hate anyone who is not
Korean.
·
Casinos are irrational, wild, flashy, and risky.
As this goes against the Korean ideals of rationality, stoicism, humility, and
good-decision making, Korean people lose their damn minds in the casinos…along
with all of their money.
Whatever the case may be, it’s
bizarre.
3.) Hookers—One thing “Oppa Gangnam Style” fails to mention is the multitude of prostitution in Korea. A lot of dudes go to prostitutes in this country. I couldn’t find the exact statistic, but ballpark? It’s a lot. Businessmen go in droves after company parties, and it’s not hard to find one if you’re looking for it. The reason for this is a combination of the dated values of a patriarchal system of oppression and the fact that Korean prostitutes look good. They are not your run-of-the-mill toothless corner wenches who haven’t showered in weeks. They are more of your high-end-call-girl-variety who have been surged-out to perfection. Not that, you know, I’ve actually done anything with them...really I haven’t. I promise. WHY DON’T YOU BELIEVE ME?
The fact of the matter is, while most women work for an organization, others are freelance, trying to land a rich dude to pay them a stupid amount of money in return for some hanky-panky. In my last post, I mentioned how the online dating community is saturated with such freelancers. But it’s not just the internet community. Last weekend, though, I was in a tight-ass, upscale bar, where I noticed a hilarious sign. They’re so common in this joint called Glam, there’s actually a sign that reads “No Prostitutes.”
I say, where’s the love?
I apologize for not keeping up on my blog game, but it’s because of the sheer business of my life. I have been doing a freelance gig for CultureM Magazine, reviewing restaurants through writing and video. You can read my articles/watch my videos here and here. You can also view the model after party video I attended (yes, that’s right) through CultureM by clicking here. If you watch closely, you can see a half-second close-up of Fan Doley dancing with a model at 42 seconds in. Yes, I’m a very, very lucky boy.
I’ve also been editing my book, a long and infuriating process that involves more Scotch drinking than I care to admit. I’m about a quarter of the way done, so hopefully soon, I’ll have something I can start harassing publishing companies with. And, you know, if you guys want to read it, you’ll be able to.
Much love everyone. Know that I miss you all, and hope you’re all killin’ it, in any and all areas of life.
-42 Second Guy
