Hello Lovers of Gangnam,
There is a matter of
grave importance that must be addressed before we begin. It is a topic that is
neither pleasant, nor happy. I fought this with every morsel of power in my
being, but sometimes, one must know when to relinquish one’s stubbornness and
embrace the inevitable. I’m referring, of course, to Psy and his megaton-bomb
of a hit, “Oppa Gangnam Style.”
For those of you that
have been living under a rock, here is the video:
And it’s sweeping the
world like some sort of Ebola Dance Virus. The other night in Seoul an impromptu
Gangnam-style concert brought in a crowd of 50,000 onlookers. I saw the Today
Show coverage with an endless mob of New Yorkers all dancing in unison to Psy’s
siren tune. I mean, the man just got signed by Justin Bieber’s manager. I can’t
go a day on Facebook without seeing a mention of it. People…I just don’t get
it. I’m not saying it’s a bad song. The first time I heard it, I was like,
“Yeah, that’s kinda fun.” But…how is it blowing up like this?
As a side note, the
meaning behind “Oppa Gangnam Style” is in reference to the place, known as
“Gangnam,” the upscale, hyper-snobby shopping/eating/partying area located centrally
in Seoul. It’s a mockery of the shallow, materialistic mindset of both the mega-rich
and those who pretend to be so strutting around Gangnam. It really is quite
clever. But still…I…I just don’t get it.
And apparently, neither
do the Japanese, who are boycotting the release of his song. As it turns out,
while the Japanese normally love Kpop, they can’t stand Psy. The explanation? The
Japanese only dig Kpop because the singers are so pretty…and Psy just doesn’t
cut it for them. I expect that out of a horny teenage boy, but an entire
country? For shame, Japan.
But enough of my hating.
Welcome back to the infamous Foley in Korea blog. Between the last post and
this one, my two year anniversary in this lovely country came and passed, and
now I am on year three. Crazy, yes?
Sometimes I fear that
this country has started to lose some of its mojo for me, that the novelty has
worn off and there is nothing to awe me anymore. Whenever such a feeling comes
over me, I always take a walk at night, and my love for this land is always
refreshed by this beautiful sight.
No, this is not some
homeless guy. This is a man who most likely has a wife and kids, a fairly good
paying job, and maybe even a vacation house in Jeju. But yes, he is sleeping on
the street, above one of the subway street vents. For the record, this is on
the main road of Itaewon, one of the biggest districts in Seoul. I snapped this
on my way home, at about four in the morning. This is not a rare sight. Korean
men, after consuming large quantities of adult beverages, often find themselves
a cozy little street corner to pass out in. Why? Because taxis are too
expensive and the streets are just so damn comfortable. The astonishing thing
is that nothing ever happens to these people.
In America, Thailand,
France, any other country, if you pass out in the street, you’ve already given
up on your wallet and your shoes. You just have to pray no one is going to snag
your organs while they’re at it. In Korea, the drunken street-sleeper only fear
upon waking is that his wife is going to castrate him. Here’s a few more
candids of said phenomenon.
For these and more beautiful
shots, check out the website devoted to Korean dudes sleeping on the
side of the street at http://blackoutkorea.blogspot.kr/
This level of cushiness
isn’t just confined to narcoleptic partiers, though. The other day, I lost my
wallet. Now, normally this would be upsetting, as it was made of alligator skin
and a gift from my lovely Korean sugar mama…but then I remembered, “Oh wait.
I’m in Korea.” It was waiting for me at the store I had left it at, money and
cards intact. Now, it’s true that not everyone outside of Korea is a soulless
wallet ganker. Hell, you might have encountered the same thing in America,
finding your wallet safe and sound in the store clerk’s hands. Here’s the
difference: in America, you assume it’s gone. You drive to the store in a
pissed-off fear that someone is using your credit cards to buy a new diamond tiara.
In Korea, you strut with pride, knowing that alligator skin is just chilling in
that store, waiting for daddy. Hell, I’ve dated girls who have lost wallets in
taxis, and then the next day, the taxi will drive to their house to
deliver it.
Ah, Korean girls. Can I
go one blog post without mentioning them? Of course not. But they are a
dangerous creature—the black hair, the long legs, the seductive eyes—all
combine to form a man-slaughtering she-beast that shows no mercy. Perhaps the
most deadly weapon this she-beast has is the destructive force known as “aegyo”
(애교). Aegyo, in a nutshell, is the Korean word for women acting cute in
order to attain things from men. It walks a fine line between being adorable
and annoying as hell, but the women who can successfully wield this weapon are
like sexy cyanide. The most common practice of this is with the word “oppa” (오빠), And yes, to answer your
next question, the very same meaning as “Oppa Gangnam Style”.) Oppa directly
translates to “older brother,” but is in reality closer to something like
“baby” or “honey.” Usually it’s used in the context of “buy me that” or “do this
for me.” But it is more than just a word. It is also a complicated manipulation
of speech, to sound overly bubbly and helpless, and, if executed properly,
melts me like a stick of butter thrown into the sun. For a cartoonish and goofy
depiction of this culturally acceptable seduction, refer to the video below.
(It's way hotter in real life. I promise.)
Women are not the only
dictators men in Korea have to deal with, however. Every single Korean man must
devote at least two years of his life to the military. That’s
the rule. There are no exceptions…unless, of course, they have some sort of
serious medical condition that prohibits them from service…or something that
fits under the umbrella of “serious medical condition.” You see where I’m going
with this. There is a group of Korean men who are the modern equivalent of
those American dudes in the sixties who were chopping of their pinky toes to
get out of going to Vietnam. The only difference is the Koreans have got it
down to a science. There are actual online guides for dodging military service using
the least painful methods possible. One guy developed a system where, every day
when leaving his apartment, he would jump down each and every step of his
apartment building. He did this every day for three years. The result somehow
altered the bone structure of his knees to the point he was no longer “a viable
applicant” for the Korean Army, despite the fact he could walk run just fine.
Or, as another of my friends is doing, you can just leave the country every two
months, thus avoiding your call to boot camp for the viable excuse of “being
out of the country.”
Totally unrelated, but
the other day, at the office, I received an interesting comment from a
coworker. After I got a hair cut and a shave, a guy in my office said to me:
“Hey man, you look shiny
today.”
And it was true…I did look shiny. It got me thinking about
language, though, and how differently we understand the world around based off
words.
Also unrelated, the
other day I discovered that one of the best known red light districts in Seoul is
literally a stone’s throw away from my apartment. It is the infamous region of
Itaewon known as “Hooker Hill.” Here, a man can be propositioned for sex at
9:30AM on a Sunday morning. Wow, the service!
(It's about as swanky as it gets.)
One more element of
randomness before I get to the point of this blog. Far be it for me to call
myself a man of culture, but I recently bore witness to one of the best films I
have ever seen. Dark, hilarious, mind-bending, action packed, disturbing, and beautiful
are just some of the words to describe the Award-Winning Korean film “Oldboy” –
a story of vengeance. I highly recommend watching it, especially as the
American remake, directed by Spike Lee and starring Josh Brolin, is set to come
out next year. That way, you can be one of those people who think they’re
better than everyone else because they’ve already seen the original. Fair
warning, though, it’s for the faint of heart.
(Classic scene from Oldboy)
The real reason I wanted
to bring all you here is for a discussion on North Korea. In a worldwide poll,
North Korean citizens score lowest in terms of personal freedom. This means
that that Cubans, the Sudanese, and Iraqis are all way freer than North Korea. That’s really saying something. Will
this ever change? I don’t know. Last year, such talk would seem insane, with
Kim Jong-Il in power. This is a man whose people were starving to death while
he was invented his own version of basketball. Like…really. The man created a
version of basketball which is, by all measures, insane. It completely revises
the point system into something far more swag.
Here’s the breakdown:
Dunk: 3 points
Three pointer
nothing-but-net: 4 points
Missing a free throw:
Negative 1 point
Any shot in the last
three seconds: 8 points
…I actually kinda like
it.
But now he’s dead. And
with him out, his son, the very young Kim Jong-Un, is stepping into power, and
there are some changes being made. For instance, he recently built a water
amusement park for his people. Unlike the creepy, unnaturally happy people you
usually see on the news, these people actually looked happy. He is also
allowing women to wear pants, because evidently they were not allowed to do so
before. And, finally, pizza is now allowed in North Korea. Thank God.
They’re also finally
accepting South Korean Aid again. What this means, I know not. But I’ve been
learning more and more about it with time, as I recently began tutoring North
Korean defectors. The process is very surprising. I was warned, prior to this
tutoring, that it would take place in a police station, and I was not allowed
to ask them questions about life in North Korea. Taking pictures of them was
forbidden, as any photographic evidence of their existence in South Korea could
spell death or jail time for their families still living in North Korea.
As expected, I was
slightly nervous stepping into that police station. After all, there was some
inevitable heavy shit ahead of me.
Then I got there and
they were so normal. I was talking
with one high school girl who kept bitching about having too much homework.
Another girl was telling me how she had just started dating this guy and couldn’t
tell if he was a playboy or not. It was shocking how benign their lives were.
The icing on this uber-normal cake was the conversation I overheard between a
North Korean dude and his English Tutor:
English Tutor:
What kind of movies do you like?
North Korean Dude: War movies are my favorite.
English Tutor: You ever see “Pearl Harbor?”
North Korean Dude: Hey man, I’m not gay.
It’s like I’m just
taking a walk in Southie. The sheer normalness
of these people who once lived in North Korea is so refreshing and happy. I
guess it proves that, if the human person is anything, he is an adaptable beast.
Last thing, people, and
that is mission accomplished. From January of this year, until now, I’ve been
working on a novel about a young man living in Korea; his experiences with food
and culture and girls and life. I know, it’s a pretty far out idea. But just
last week I finished the first draft. It’s 120,000 words. For reference, that’s
slightly longer than the third Harry
Potter book. But, it’s rough, a lot of it is crap, and it needs some revising
for sure. But, in a few months, after I wax-on, wax-off it into something
prettier, I’m going to need some poor souls to suffer through it as editors.
Please, let me know if any of you are the slightest bit interested.
But that’s all for now. Much love, party people. I miss you all very much.
-North Korean Pizza
Delivery Guy
