Hello Beauty Queens,
It occurred to me, while writing this entry, that almost every
blog entry I write touches on the issues of plastic surgery and food in Korea. This
one will be no different. But why? I always knew that my addiction to food
borders on that of a crack-addict, but I have little explanation for my strange
fixation with plastic surgery. Perhaps it’s because, while I hate the Korean
obsession of appearance and their reliance on plastic surgery, I really, really,
really dig hot chicks. They may be the only thing in this world I love more
than food. But it comes at a terrible price. Behold, the story to come.
Miss Korea. Doesn’t every little girl dream of being that
someday? I know I did, until my Dad beat that dream out of me. Just like in
America, Miss Korea is the classic example of girls with no real talents beyond
looks, and possibly, juggling, being rewarded by society. This is not to knock
them. It is nothing short of amazing just how stunningly beautiful these girls
are. For instance, this is Miss Korea 2012.
I know. Here’s one more of her, just because I love her so
much.
Okay…okay, just one more.
Alright, now that I got that out of my system, let’s get to
the point. Her victory in the pageant was recently tarnished when past
photographs of her were revealed online. As it turned out, she had gotten a
little work done. But, you’re probably thinking, this is Korea, right? Doesn’t
ever Korean Movie/Drama/K-pop star get surgery? Why, yes. Yes they do. But this
was not a simple nose job. This was the human equivalent to tearing down a
crappy apartment complex and then rebuilding it stone by stone into a castle.
This, is what Miss Korea looked like in high school.
Let’s see that side by side.
Yeah, I know.
Whew. Glad that’s over. Now we can finally talk about
food…kinda.
I recently underwent an experience both horrifying and
great, akin to something of a religious or sexual awakening. That’s right, boys
and girls, I found out Korea has Costco. And I went. While my words cannot
adequately describe the intense emotional bungee jump that Korean Costco was, I
will attempt my best.
To anyone who has ever been to Costco in America, the Korean
one is exactly, and I mean exactly, the same…except it’s in in Korea. While
that might not sound like it means anything, you have to take in the socio-cultural
aspects of Koreans and understand why this changes the game completely.
You see, Koreans, for being an extremely industrious people,
are hideously unorganized and inefficient when it comes to things like, you
know, walking in a store. There are no lines, no flow, no people letting other
people cross in front of them. There is only chaos, and the occasional sound of
a baby crying. Combine this with the knowledge that there is only one Costco in
Seoul, a city with a population of over ten million. And, as Korea is such a
small country, building space is extremely expensive, which means the aisles of
the Korean Costco are far narrower to save costs. What this equates to is a
small slice of hell. I have no history of claustrophobia. Somehow, though, I
got claustrophobic in Costco, which is impressive because it’s in a warehouse. Here’s the photographic
evidence.
Why endure this punishment? Like I said before, it’s the
exact same thing as an American Costco, meaning that is has American food.
While that might mean nothing to you lucky souls kickin’ it in your Western
Paradise, us stragglers in the East are deprived the basic necessities. Korean
grocery stores just don’t handle this kind of merchandise. What am I talking? I’m
talking Cheese. Real blocks of cheddar, pepper jack, blue, feta, gouda, anything
you can think of. Real bread from a bakery that doesn’t feel the need to put
corn in it. Muffins, bagels, danishes. Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Frozen chicken
wings. Real cheesecake. Three pound
tubs of chocolate covered cherries. Cheese balls. Sour cream. Peanut butter
cups. I almost cried. It was like Christmas and the Super Bowl at the Victoria
Secret Fashion Show all rolled up into one.
So with Costco, there’s the bad, there’s the good, and then,
like everything else in Korea, there’s the weird. My friends, Koreans love side
dishes. Most meals require numerous side dishes. Even with Western things like
pizza, Korean need pickles as a side dish. Or with fried chicken, they eat
radishes. With that in mind, I give you the Korean Costco food court. Identical
to the American one. They sell the big-ass pizzas, all-pork hot dogs, and those
cankle-building chicken pot pies that we all love so much. And, as anyone who
frequents Costco knows, they have diced onion dispensers for the hot dogs.
Here’s where the weird pops in. Koreans eat those onions as a side dish. As in,
they just take a giant cup, fill it up, sift it down, fill it up some more,
pack it down, and just saturate it with ketchup and mustard. Then they eat it
with a spoon. Sometimes without any other food accompanying it. They suck this
stuff down like Coca Cola. We saw a lady taking a huge sheet of tin foil and loading
up as much diced onions as she could for the ride home. While seeing this made
me feel a million miles away from home, the woman right next to her performed
an act that was nothing short of glorious. In true American fashion, she consumed
half of her one pound, all-pork hotdog in a single, massive bite. At once, I
felt home.
And while we’re on the subject of food, I spent a cool 24
hours in Tokyo a couple weekends ago. One of the best trips of my life for
sure. The high school reunion, the night of partying that raged well into 10AM,
and a plethora of gorgeous Japanese babes trying to marry me were all factors,
but perhaps the two most unique experiences were of the culinary variety.
The first, Japanese noodles. Noodles chilling in a brown broth
with pork is undeniably delicious, though the truly noteworthy thing is the
ordering procedure for this treat. Instead of dealing with a person, you place
an order through a vending machine. You decide the details, and then out comes
your order slip. Then you’re led to what resembles a library study area.
Individual divided desks are lined up, facing the kitchen. There is only a
small window in which to see into the kitchen, which restricts your vision to
just the midsections of the chefs. The true reason for this window, of course,
is for the chef to hand you your meal. I feel like it’s the perfect premise for
a Japanese romance. The lonely businessman falls in love with the mysterious
woman in the kitchen whose face he never sees. It is only her beautiful hands
delivering the perfect bowl of noodles, but that is enough for him. Or
something lame like that.
The other thing I ate was raw chicken. Pretty good, and I
didn’t catch the salmonella, which we’re all pretty happy about.
While this Olympics had no shortage of drama, one of the
largest on this side of the world was the heated soccer match over rival
countries Korea and Japan for the bronze. Korea emerged triumphant. Being an
Olympic medalist is no doubt a source of pride and happiness to an athlete, but
in Korea, it’s also a source of great relief. As you may be aware, every man in
Korea serves an obligatory and miserable two years in the army. That is, unless
you’re a medalist in the Olympics. With their victory came emancipation, as the
entire Korean Men’s Soccer Team was exempt from military service. The coach
even threw in his last bench guy for the final seconds of the game just so he was
able to skip his army time. Awesome.
As much as I sometimes think of myself as a citizen of this
kimchi-saturated land, from time to time, differences are inevitable. For
instance, at work, being on a team with Americans surely creates a divide.
Sure, our Korean coworkers come into our part of the office to partake of our
snacks and sleep in the broken swivel chair in the corner. Where we differ is
when the day end. There is a Korean concept that does not exist in English that
we detest. It is that of “야근” or “yageun.” This is the very Korean idea of working
late without pay because…well, no one really knows why. In an American office,
if all your work is done, by three minutes after closing time you’re outside
trying to start your car. In Korea, you stick around for another half hour, to
an hour because…again, I don’t know why.
All I know is that, when we do to escape the office on-time, we must endure the
silent judgmental glares from the higher ups for not yageuning.
Sometimes, though, the differences between foreigners and
Koreans are a little more serious. Tensions mount. There is, amongst some of
the Korean community, a loathing of foreigners in Korea. While not totally
unfounded, some Koreans simply hate us.
A couple months ago, there was the following absurd news story on the Korean
Network MBC entitled “The Shocking Truth About Foreigners:”
First five seconds of the broadcast are a montage of cocky
white dudes and Korean women who have been the “victims” of foreigners. These girls
claimed to have been robbed after sex or foreigners knocking them up and then
leaving the country. One girl even tested positive for HIV. This is, as the
video claims, “the shocking truth” about foreigners in Korea. While it is
nothing more than ignorant propaganda, what boils me about it is that some people
actually buy into this horseshit. They make us sound like a plague in this
country, devastating the women and leaving a trail of STD’s to everyone who
touches us. While I love this country, this is a problem that always exists—the
discrepancy between foreigners and Koreans.
The same is true on our side, though. The disrespect both
teachers and army personnel show in this country, especially the men towards
Korean women, is just as bad, if not worse. Websites exist on guys sharing
their stories and pictures of Korean girls they’ve bagged. Yes, scumbag dudes
do this everywhere, but it’s the way
in which it’s done. The depictions, from what I’ve read, are from the darkest reaches
of the racist douchebag who thinks he’s funny. There’s a lack of respect and
human decency, which is multiplied in crappiness by the fact that we are guests
in this country.
The Dan Foley solution to this problem? You knew there would
be one. Both sides just need to embrace each other.
I’m a big hater of tourism. I love traveling, but I think
tourism is artificial and worthless. Tourism, in my mind, is visiting a place.
The problem is, some foreigners in Korea act like tourists, and some Koreans
treat us that way. When you visit a place, it is a vacation, something
superficial and for yourself. I know people who have lived in this country for
over a year and are still tourists. But then there are those who aren’t. People
who come to a country and experience it. They become part of it. Add to it.
Korean people need to stop seeing foreigners as outsiders, and foreigners need
to stop acting like it.
I was lucky. I learned Korean sword fighting and was
accepted as a brother amongst them. I’ve fallen for and had real connections
with girls here. And, maybe the coolest thing of all, something I never thought
I’d get to experience, I’m going to.
I get to be an uncle.
As you know, being an only child, while awesome, limits you
in the sense that you never get to have nieces and nephews. But, with my
adoption into a Korean family, my brother Alex and his wife Helena are having a
baby. This October, actually.
And as for all you cats in the States (to whom I love and
miss so dearly), I’ll be back home for a bit this Christmas. So, if you got a
couple minutes, it’d be good to see you. Each and every one of you.
-Uncle Dan
