Post #14

Hello Lovers of Chaos,

Yes, it's Foley in Korea Blog 14. The theme this week is - there is no theme. Just sheer randomness. Chaos. Disorder. Why, Dan? I'm glad you asked.

When experiencing a brand new world, you encounter obscure tidbits of culture and life that just really don't fit in anywhere else. But they beg to be discussed. So, I thought I'd just have a little fun with this one, and in no particular order, here's just some stuff that I couldn't really fit anywhere else. But in so many ways, these things are Korea. 

Milk Soda. Yes, that's right, my friends. Koreans are officially insane.

 
I know what you're thinking. "Combining milk and soda? Why, that's absurd. What are they going to come up with next, Cheese Beer?" But Milk Soda (called Milkis) is actually a stroke of genius, a gem, a, shall I say, masterpiece of the Coca-Cola Company. It totally catches your taste buds off guard, but in a good way, like falling in love with a perfect stranger and forgetting who you are. All right, maybe it's not that good, but I still dig it. And it's truly not that weird. Think about things like cream soda, or a root beer float - which are essentially the same idea - combining a carbonated beverage with a dairy product. Just saying, it's not as weird as "Cheese Beer," though maybe that's not such a bad idea.

Districts. Wow. I know. You hear districts, and you're already bored. Me too. But bare with me. In Korea, they don't have street signs, which, yes, I agree is stupid. But, what they do have is districts, which almost makes up for it. Whatever you need, there's a district for it. You want to buy a wedding dress? Well, they've got a street where you can't do much else. It's just bridal shop after bridal shop after bridal shop. You want to buy a new toy for your kid? Go to the toy district, home of the most fake guns I've ever seen in one place. You looking to go to a really shady bar and chill with the disgusting underbelly of Korean society? They got a place for that, too. The whole city is comprised of districts. Hell, even my neighborhood is called 먹자골목 (moke-ja-gul-mok), which literally translates to "Let's Eat Alleyway." It's kind of like the North End of Boston, but it's all Korean food and bars and drunken businessmen who like to hold hands while they puke outside my apartment. But speaking of shady bars, there's also the...

Norebong. A Norebong is essentially a room that you rent out with your friends. You can eat, you can drink, but most you can sing karaoke ("nore" means "song," and "bong" means "bong"-errrrr...that is, I mean, "bong" means "room"). It's a blast, a great way to spend a fun, wholesome, intoxicated night with friends. Except, not all norebongs are as wholesome as the rest. Most of them are just what I described above. BUT, some norebongs also feature a bonus, if you want to call it that. They have beautiful girls that you pay to hang out with you. That's right, you can rent babes. But, before you jump to conclusions, from all the knowledge I can surmount, these girls are not prostitutes. They're just so gorgeous that dudes, who otherwise couldn't get these kind of girls to come within thirty feet of them, will pay good money for their time. I don't really know how to feel about this one.

But, speaking of bongs...

DVD Bong. Using the Korean language skills you acquired in the last paragraph, you can take a guess what a DVD Bong is. It's essentially a room, about the size of a big bathroom. It's got a love-seat (super comfortable), a projector, surround sound, and a screen. It's basically a two person mini-movie theater. It's excellent. You pick the movie out of their massive library, and for ten bucks, you and a date can watch a movie, chill out, or even take a nap, if you so desired. It is totally acceptable to bring in beer and food, their American movie section is notably large, and these DVD Bongs are everywhere. I know what you're thinking, though. "Why don't people just go hang out at their apartments, rent a movie and chill out there? You'd save money and be right in your own home." Well my friend, the necessity for DVD Bongs stems from a profound culture difference between Koreans and Americans which I hate so much it brings me to tears.   

Living With Your Parents. In America, most kids after high school/college yearn to escape their parent's house and begin their own lives. We can dissect why this is for various reasons, ranging from social pressures to the fact that living with parents can be really lame sometimes. But that's not the case here. Over in Koreaville, it's a whole different ballpark. Living with friends after college is rare. Living by yourself in general is considered strange. With most Koreans, you live with your parents until you're married, and then you live with your spouse.

Why do I care about this? Because Korean parents aren't cool. Well, maybe that's not fair. I wouldn't say that I was an American girl trying to date a Korean guy. Because Korean guys who live with their parents do whatever the hell they want. They want to disappear for three days with no explanation? Fine. They want to bring random girls home? That's cool. But that doesn't fly if you're a Korean daughter living with your parents. Dating girls here is like high school all over again. Let me paint a picture for you. I'm out with a lovely twenty three year old girl on a Saturday night enjoying an Irish Car Bomb, when she says, "I have to go home."

I think to myself, was it something I said? "Why?" I ask. "Why in God's name why?"

She responds, one word. "Curfew."

She has a curfew. And she's on vacation. Really Korea? Really? And this was after she finished telling me her dad begs her brother to go out and have fun with girls before he's married. Where's the equality? Classic sexism. 

However, this parental tyranny creates the need for DVD Bongs, as most Koreans, men and women, live with their parents, and sometimes need to "get away for a little while" with their dating partner. With such knowledge, it does sour the experience a bit of the DVD Bong, because, even if you go with wholesome intentions, it always does feel a little grimy, sitting there, in the dark, on that tiny leather love-seat, wondering of what came before.

This is also the reason for the so called "Love Motels" which I think you can probably wrap your head around without much provoking.

Car Phone Numbers. Finally, something positive. After scoring a hundred dollar parking ticket during my brief stint in America, (damn you "bus parking only"), I finally found something that Korea does right when it comes to driving. And that is, parking. Sure, there are no parking places, which means people park like jackasses. Here's the plus side. No parking meters. But what if you're a fool like me, and you park somewhere you're not supposed to park? Do they tow you, and make your life a living hell? No. They came up with a ingenious, humane approach. You write down your phone number on a little card on your windshield. That way, if you're parked somewhere you can't park, the angry person who you blocked in can call you, like a civilized human being, and ask you kindly to please move your automobile. America, take notes.

Neon Crosses. There are a lot of churches in Korea. They opt for smaller churches, but more of them. Now, there's nothing wrong with that except they designate their churches (mostly Protestant I think) with neon red crosses high in the air. There's something extremely disturbing about a neon red cross. It reminds me of the Simon and Garfunkel song "The Sound of Silence," which, while an excellent song, I am very unnerved when I see these supposed houses of holiness.

 

Pretty creepy, huh?

Bow Tie Guy. I've discussed Stink Eye Guy at length, but I have failed to mention the one and only Bow Tie Guy. Who is this strange gentleman? He is a man that I would gauge is somewhere between the ages of 72 and 136. He resides at the hybrid Korean-foreign bars (on any given day, it's about 50/50 Koreans and foreigners) or the Korean night clubs. Either way, he is an easy spot because he's always hitting on girls young enough to be his great granddaughter, and he's always rocking the same tux with the same red bow tie and the same look of sheer drunken senility in his eyes. I always shake this man's hand when we cross paths, which is far more frequent than I would like.    

My Apartment. Two things of note. As a personal victory, I finally figured out my electronic Korean heating/water heating unit. Only took me til the end of December. It was an icy nightmare before that.

The other thing is my toilet seat is perpetually broken. The landlord had "fixed" it, but it broke after one sit. The seat itself is intact, but it can't stay latched onto the toilet bowl in the back. Now, for me, that's fine, I've learned how to play defense with my toilet seat. I forget it's broken half the time. But when (drunken) guests in my apartment, I usually hear them scream and fall into the toilet when they turn on the seat of doom. It pleases me to no end.
 
Funny Korean Words. Three excellent Korean English things.

1. Telling time. "Two o'clock" is one of my favorite phrases. "Dul" is "two" and "shi" is "hour." Put them together, the time "two o'clock" translates to "du-shi." Go ahead, say it. (If you're over 40, you might be too old to get this one). I think it's great. So, my friends and I have adopted the saying, that when you encounter someone who is a real jackass, they are referred to, as a "two o'clocker," for obvious reasons.  

2. Shut up. The direct translation for the way Koreans say "shut up" is "Chicken Mouth Punch." I have no idea why but it's clearly awesome.

3. Sandwiches. For all of you who know of my profound love of sandwiches, the word for sandwich in Korean is "Sandwichee." It is my new favorite word.

So there you have it, my friends. 10 random things that just really couldn't go anywhere else in my growing blog. But to step away from the chaos for a bit, there's a very ordered thought I had, talking with my Korean friend, who made me realize something fascinating.

Obama, in his education speech, made the case that the American education system should mirror the Korean. Bear in mind I am mostly apolitical, but that statement was purely ignorant. Koreans don't even think Korean education should mirror itself. The high school students go to school here from 7:30 in the morning til 11:30 at night. And the kids know it sucks and shouldn't be this way. Most of the parents and teachers feel this way too, but it is so hyper-competitive, they have no choice. Average students in high school are doing "multivariable calculus." If you have taken this course in America, most likely you are currently an engineer or a scientist.

For example, my friend told me of her cousin, who was considered "dumb" in math in Korea. Then, in high school, he did a semester in New Zealand to study English. There, he won a math award for being the best in his school. But does the average person really need to be that proficient in multivariable calc?

For the Korean SAT, you need to memorize so many dates, so much information about Korean history, so many vocabulary words from two different languages, just such an absurd amount of information, it makes me sick to my stomach. And they do it so well. And they're trained to do it from an early age. I have students that memorize passages of the books and repeat them back in class when they give me answers. It's truly remarkable watching them do it.

BUT for a lot of them, if I ask them to describe to me what they just said in their own words, they hit a brick wall. So I make the case, what's the point?

Korean students, up til graduating high school, are treated like memorization machines. Questions like "why" are strongly discouraged. My friend explained to me her high school teachers hated her because she was always asking "why?" So many students, when asked what they want to do with their lives, will usually say they want the same job as their father. I wonder why.

Americans are completely the opposite. We have a reason for everything we do. Hell, we have an excuse for everything that we do. But we're also expected to explore, figure out answers, find motivation, purpose, discover our own path, blaze our individuality, insert American cliche here. This is fantastic, it really is, but the flip side of it is that we live in a country with a lot of lazy people who always have a reason to not do stuff. And I'm not dogging you America. I often join the ranks of the lazy myself.

On the plus side, Koreans are always doing stuff. Even after high school, they never have time to stop. They're always living with family, and family functions happen all the time out here. Kids are always playing with each other. The country is so small and affordable everyone travels around everywhere. You're expected to go drinking with every group you're a part of. Hell between church, kumdo, and work friends, I could be constantly intoxicated. Koreans never stop, which is great, but they also never stop to ask why.

So to sum up - we live in two countries, one of no why, one of no do. I see no reason to memorize two thousand years of Korean history when I can pop open a history book and point to a date, but I do think they're on to something with the constant moving. No, it shouldn't be this Obama-endorsed torturous school schedule they subject their kids to, but it's nice to see a group of people that watch less than 4 hours of TV a day, which is what we average in American. Everyone's too damn busy to.

(And if you're interested, all you math people, 4 hours a day of television watching translates to 28 hours a week. Going at that rate, the average 65 year old American has spent 9 years of their life watching the boob tube. I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.)

Again, both countries are messed up. But, hey, there's good stuff too. There's nothing wrong with cracking open a milk soda and watching a little TV at the end of the day. Just make sure you actually did something during the day. Something to earn that milk soda.

I miss and love you all,
Lazy Bones Foley

Post #13

Hello Unlucky Souls,

That's right, it's Blog Thirteen. But, fortunately for you all, thirteen is not an unlucky number out here. Their unlucky number is incidentally four. Why four? It's because the number "four" in Korean (pronounced "set") is the same as their word for "death." How does that translate into the everyday? They skip the fourth floor on elevators like we skip the thirteenth. They'll mark it as an "F" or sometimes just go right to five. But I like how they have a reason for their unlucky number. Has anyone ever wondered why thirteen is unlucky in western countries? The best answer I could find was that Jesus plus his twelve apostles made thirteen, and Judas was counted as lucky number thirteen. But perhaps there's another explanation. If you come across it, let me know, party people. I love that stuff.

Much to discuss. Like for starters, did you know I live down the street from the National Wonder Bread Convention Center?  

Actually to tell you the truth, I have no idea what they do at this place. Still, it pleases me to no end every time I walk by it..

But useless observations aside, my recent stint in America has got me with all sorts of mixed up on the inside. Yes, my blood is American. And yes, I live in Korea. But my major problem is that I love both places so much, so sometimes I have to look at things objectively to decide which I like better. After all, people, comparison is the hallmark of understanding. So, the remainder of this blog will be devoted to me making sense of these two great (and sometimes foolish) nations in a little segment I will call:

AMERICA VERSUS KOREA

(DING! DING! DING!)

Spicy Food - Anyone who knows me knows that I can handle spicy food. No, I do not possess some godly Man Versus Food kind of dominance over spice, but compared to the average American, I have a damn good track record battling super spicy food.

Now before I continue, if any of my former roommates reading this, I am excluding the Talati Salsa from my otherwise flawless track record. We all know where I wind up after eating it (passed out on the toilet), but I believe it is the exception that proves the rule. Because there's nothing I love more than a good spice challenge. In America.

Korea is a different story altogether and their utter dominance in the spice game was proven to me at the 쭈꾸미, the spicy octopus restaurant. I told my friend Jasmine I wanted to go. She warned me it was quite good, but really spicy and I probably wouldn't be able to handle it. I scoffed at her disbelief. Most foreigners in this country can't handle the spice of kim-chi, and I eat that stuff by the barrel full. I wasn't scared. So we went and got some spicy octopus at the  쭈꾸미, pronounced "choo-koo-me." Was the octopus spicy, you ask? Let me put it this way. They don't have an "F" sound in Korea, but if they did, I'm pretty sure they would have named the restaurant the "foo-koo-me."

We ordered the weakest thing on the menu, much to my prideful disdain. But thank God we did. Take a look at the "mild"  쭈꾸미 "choo-koo-me."

You can't really tell by the picture, but it looks like they went down to hell and slaughtered one of the devil's minions, drained his blood into this bowl, and then added octopus and chili sauce. One bite of it and I was humbled. It's not like American spice where your tongue catches on fire. It's like a body-draining, soul-sucking, spice that leaves you with a red face and the ability to see through time. We loaded it with bean sprouts to kill the spice a bit but it didn't do a damn thing. I must have killed a beer for every bite of octopus tentacle I took. I was pathetic. And very drunk. The only silver lining was I did out-eat my Korean lady friend, so I escaped with some pride. Also, my face stayed less red than the Korean guy across the way from me, who resembled the guy from the first Indian Jones movie who gets his face melted by the flying spirits of the Arc.

Spicy Food Winner: Korea

Pizza - Take a guess who's gonna win this one. Not much to say. Koreans just haven't figured out cheese. Certain places, like the chain Mr. Pizza, aren't bad, but even the American imports like Pizza Hut are all Koreanized. What does that mean? Basically that they have to throw on all these weird sauces and toppings because God forbid you just put sausage and peppers on a pizza. Nah, you need some weird mayonnaise sauce drizzled on top of pizza loaded with seafood and corn. I'm sorry, I try not to take an objective stance on things as subjective as food, but putting corn in pizza is sacrilegious and should be a crime punishable by torture.

The funny thing is, even if you don't get corn in your pizza, they always give you a "side" of creamed corn with your pizza.

Pizza Winner: America
 
Girl Power - America is an complicated place to talk about woman's rights. So I'm just going to skip it and start talking about the other side of the equation.

Korea is often seen as a male dominated country. All but one of the major political leaders are men, business is dominated by the Y-chromosome, and if you are a constant reader of my blog, you know that women are sometimes mocked publicly because the dudes here can be total jackasses.

Still, I think women run this country. How can this be, given everything I just said? Two reasons:

The hotties and the ajumas.

The hotties I've discussed before. Korean women, aged (without being creepy) 16-40 are hot. And they don't show their age. No way to know if the girl staring at you from across the room is jail bait or old enough to be your mother. They're infused with plastic surgery (fifty percent of girls aged 20-27 have it right now and most of the rest think they need it). Every girl is in fantastic shape. And historically, they're the best looking of the three major Asian powers. There's a saying in Asia, that the ideal woman "Cooks like a Chinese woman, looks like a Korean woman, and obeys like a Japanese woman." And while that's horrible and misogynistic and hilarious, it gives you a great idea for the sheer hotness of these girls.

Korea is the Asian country where men do the dishes, the nation where men beg their women for things. Girls twelve to forty five just have to so much as look at a guy on the bus and he'll give up his seat for them. I've seen men stuck for hours carrying their girlfriend's purse while the girl goes out to the clubs and dances. And they do it all without complaint. Why? Yes, hotness is probably the biggest factor, but I think I've discovered their secret. They invented their own language, known as "Cute Korean." They basically changed around a bunch of words to make them sound cuter and say everything in this sing-songy voice that is completely irresistible. Don't be fooled, it's a siren song and they're all pure evil.    

But that's just the young half. What about the grandmas? What power to they have? Ajuma is a word for "old or distinguished woman" in Korea, and they are feared far and wide. These are the tiny old women who are shaped like upside-down L's. These are either the war widows or the women who were little girls during the war. So either way, they're tough as nails, and thanks to the war, they outnumber the men. And they make their own rules. These ajumas stop for nobody. I've seen them walk out of their way to plow right into someone walking on the street. For no reason. They don't falter. No apology. They just blast right through. They get respect for doing this. And if they're selling stuff at the market, they'll yell at you til' you buy something. Also, like the hotties, ajumas have their own language, but it ain't pretty. It's the same as regular Korean, except for emphasis, they make a sound like they're trying to hock up a serious loogie. And when an ajuma speaks, everyone listens.

I'm gonna give it to Korea. Girl power!

Girl Power Winner: Korea

Drugs - Does Korea have a drug problem? No, because even possession of a "soft drug" like marijuana is punishable by a minimum of three years in jail. No lie. Check for yourself. A little strict, but keep in mind, they've also avoided things like crack and heroin with such policies, so no one's killing each other over here because they haven't gotten their fix.

Does that mean Korea has eliminated the existence of drugs within the confines of the peninsula? Of course not. I happen to know a pothead in Korea. But such people are rarities out here. And not just because of the three year minimum. It's expensive. Usually, you only find it in the inner circles of rich kids out here. However, if you're willing to pay, you can get it. What's the going rate compared to America? A eighth of an ounce of weed in America is about fifty dollars, depending on quality (not that I've ever touched the stuff myself). The same amount will go for upwards of five hundred and twenty dollars here in Korea. Steep price to pay to get high.

I'm going to give the win to Korea, because even with some ridiculous drug policies, abolishing the serious drugs I think is for the greater good.

Drugs Winner: Korea 

Revealing Clothing - Say what? That's right. This is a category. This one is just so insane it needs to be discussed. Cleavage is seen as pure evil in Korea. Allow me to explain. Women, on the whole, do not wear low cut shirts out here. My white friends who have done such things are usually referred by offensive names by Koreans. One woman I know was yelled at on the beach for wearing a low cut top. This is not a joke.

However, Koreans have absolutely no problem wearing the shortest short short shorty short skirts I have ever seen in my entire life. This is not seen as risque in any way. No skirt is too short. Even in church. Now, I'm not complaining about this phenomenon (trust me) but I do think this is an example of Korea being xenophobic.

You see, Korean women are known for having amazing legs. So the mentality is, why not show them off? However, they are also known for being, shall we say, less voluptuous than western women. And therefore, low cut shirts aren't as much fun out here. So I think this is just a case of Korea needing to grow up a little bit and see outside the box. I say bring on the revealing clothing! Tops and bottoms!

Revealing Clothing Winner: America

Image - Alright folks, this is the interesting one, so pay attention. Image is something so important in Korea. Part of this comes from an obsession with status, part of it comes from being a country who just recently inherited a great deal of wealth, part of it comes from the fact that image is important in almost all Asian countries. But what does that mean, image? Let's see.

For starters, you can't find a car more than five years old on the streets, unless if it's a classic or a Benz or something that I couldn't afford with a year's salary. People are always dressed up, never will you come across someone not looking their best, even if they're just going to the supermarket. There's none of this People of Wal-Mart nonsense (http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/?page_id=9804). Everybody's looking sharp all the time. And not just clothing wise. I'm talking hair, jewelry, and most importantly, everyone here is thin. Fat is evil here, and that's not me being cute.

My friend Rick told me that, upon asking his students what was the worst thing you could be, whether it be a liar or a thief or whatever, many of his students responded "fat." Two of the girls I've dated out here have thought of themselves as needing to lose weight. Both of these girls were gorgeous and had fantastic bodies. One was skinny. Not thin. Skinny. And still she thought she needed to lose weight. The second was thin, borderline skinny. Her mother and all her friends always tell her what a great body she had before she got all fat. Keep in mind this girl has a body many girls in the United States would kill for. Whatever happened to inner beauty?

And yeah, that's really messed up. The judgment factor in Korea is through the roof. Perfection is demanded in all facets of life. It's not surprising Korea has the second highest rate of suicide of any country in the world (Belarus is number one). Image is so important that it becomes all encompassing, obsessive, frightening.

But before we condemn Korea as a bunch of superficial fools, let's talk about America for a bit .We're a country that celebrates inner beauty, has the "don't judge me mentality," and is responsible for great shows like "The Biggest Loser," that promote people to lose weight and be healthy.  I dig it. Problem is, in Korea, they would never need a show like "The Biggest Loser," because people take care of their bodies there. They don't let each other get fat, because they are obsessed about appearance and judge each other like crazy. And while that sounds bad, the opposite is our country, where 74.1% of people are overweight or obese.

Really? Really?

That means if you're not overweight, the three people you're chilling with probably are. And my friends, I'm not saying fat is evil, because it's not. But there's something to be said for being healthy and looking fit. Maybe there's something to be said about judging each other, too. This whole "don't judge me" mentality I think can be a bad thing sometimes. Maybe Americans should judge each other more. Not in a condescending and asshole kind of way, but in a way where we strive to make each other better people, inside and out. That's why I've always loved my family and friends (most of the people reading this), for calling me out if I'm acting a fool, or getting unhealthy, or treating people like crap, I know I've got people watching my every step and ready to call me a jackass. That's the good kind of judging.

But let's not go crazy. We don't need to become anorexic or so concerned about image we become suicidal. Just like Koreans shouldn't become so lax on their view of image that they all get fat and wear sweatpants everywhere. I'm just saying maybe we could both learn something from the other country.


Image Winner: Tie. Both countries are dumb when it comes to image.

But all that aside, I think people, despite all these silly cultural differences, are pretty much the same everywhere. The things I see over here, the way kids play, the couples in love, and the people yelling at each other in the streets, all I can think is how much this place really is like anywhere else, as seen below, with my buddy Young, a girl from the orphanage, and a picture of me downtown.

 

 

Yes, people truly are the same everywhere. But giant scary puppets are not. The picture was merely a rouge. Moments after the above picture was taken, I did terrible, unspeakable things to that demonic stuffed man. The world is now a better place.

As a brief side note, to my Americans on my trip home from Christmas to New Years. This is an apology. To those of you I didn't see, my sincerest regrets. I miss the hell out of you, and I wish I could have seen you.

And to all those I did see, whether it be once, twice or five times, I promise you it wasn't enough and it killed me to leave. If I acted aloof, or like I didn't care, don't buy into it. Coming home made me happy beyond words, even if I didn't always show it. Thank you, to all my family and friends. It was truly a (and I know this is going to sound super lame, but it really is the right word for it) MAGICAL trip home. Uh, I feel dirty saying that for some reason.

Much love all. I miss you crazy Americans.

- Overly Sentimental Dude